Eileen asks :

Hi Lucy,

My husband doesn't want me to be included in his family celebrations. He wants to attend dinners, celebrations, weddings, christening with his ex-wife. He wants me to be friends with his children and have them to stay etc. but I am then erased when anything is going on. His children are all adults. He has been separated/divorced from their Mother for 19 years. We have been together that long and married for 8 years. It is so hurtful.

Hi Eileen,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

This sounds very upsetting for you when you have a long established relationship with your partner and want to be included in all aspects of his life, but it sounds like he is holding you back.

Have you talked to him about this? You have not mentioned if you have brought this subject up with him, so it might be time to ask why and how he would feel if you excluded him from your family gatherings. If he is not over his wife, then he needs to be honest with you- but if it’s for ease and familiarity, then he should really crack this habit for your sake.

If you have been together for a long time and he has been separated from his ex-wife for 19 years then people in the family should have accepted that things between them are over and they have both moved on. However if he is so often seen with her then, they might think that they are getting back together. 

Perhaps he is protecting you from any bad feeling among other family members, however the longer he puts if off the worse it might get. There are bound to be some people in the family who might be cautious about his new relationship, however perhaps that is because they have never met you and have made up their minds about you from what your partner has told them, rather than being given the opportunity to make up their own minds.  

Maybe you could suggest to him that at the next social event you tag along and kick start your integration into his extended family and friends and get him out of the habit of going with his ex wife. 

Hi Eileen,

This is a major red flag in a relationship if this happens. It often leaves the person who is not included feeling that it has something to do with them rather than the situation, which is detrimental to their self-esteem.

It sounds like this has happened for your entire relationship- so why, only now, do you feel ready to handle this? It seems that is has been left for so long that it might have been blown out of all proportion.

Perhaps ask him what he sees in your relationship. If he can’t take you out and be proud to be seen with you, then why?

Why just the kids and not the rest of the family? It is arguable that the kids are one of the most affected in a relationship breakdown and sometimes the most difficult to adapt to change. It might be that you have overcome the most difficult transition with them and the rest won’t be as bad as you both think. 


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