Cas asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been having trouble with holding on to relationships. I've had a couple but they only last a few months! When I'm with someone I get paranoid and find myself pushing them away. Do you have any advice... please?!
Hi Cas,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It could be paranoia or it could be that you just haven't found the right partner yet, who makes you feel more secure about the relationship. If you feel insecure then this can sometimes transfer over to your relationships, and rather than looking at your own issues of self-doubt you can blame others for them by interpreting situations in negative ways.
Perhaps next time you are in a relationship and you feel yourself reacting in a paranoid way, then try to take a mental step back and think about the situation. Often paranoia is the result of a rash decision, so maybe think before you react a little more. A good way to do this is to write your feelings down.
Perhaps start a diary and write in it every time you feel that you are being period over something. Once you deconstruct a situation it often doesn’t seem as bad as it did at the time. If you still feel that you have been wronged afterwards then once you have calmed down that might be the time to talk to your partner.
For instance- if you catch your man flirting with another woman- that is not necessarily your paranoia that could be him being inappropriate and perhaps not knowing what your boundaries are in the relationship. A conversation to say ‘that hurt my feelings- how would you feel if I did the same?’ might be more productive than accusing him of being in the wrong there and then.
Another example; if you see him checking another woman out- it may seem the wrong thing to do when he has a girlfriend but think back-perhaps you have admired other men even while you have been in a relationship- it just so happens that he has been caught doing it. Perhaps this is something that could escalate, but in reality, we are all human and we are aware when there are others around us that are 'our kind of people'. It’s if they act on that attraction when it becomes an issue. So this could perhaps be forgiven and forgotten.
If you are deeply insecure then it might be wise to take some time out from relationships and work on your self-esteem- do things that make you love who you are before you can love someone else and most importantly accept their love.
tagged in relationships couple yin and yang agony aunt
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