A asks :

Hi Lucy, I really hope you can help me out with this. I am currently in an almost 2 year relationship with who I believe is the love of my life. We are both young (20's) and have never been with anybody else. At the beginning of our relationship "official" I made the mistake of getting extremely drunk (something I rarely do) and sleeping with probably one of the biggest d**kheads I know. I never put the blame directly on him but I feel like I was taken advantage of that night. It was almost two months into my relationship. I tried to forget about it for so long believing that if I told my boyfriend it would only cause hurt and do no good as I love him dearly. Eventually the guilt got the better of me and I told him 1 year and a half later. I told him on our summer holiday which turned into an explosive night. He took it extremely badly saying "why didn’t you tell me sooner it would of been easier to finish with you" after a 'pretend to smile and be happy ten day holiday' we came back and never spoke about it until a month later he broke up with me for a week and then wanted me back as he couldn’t deal with it and he would rather go through the pain with me than without me. I could never stress to him enough the circumstances of that night and how it meant nothing but it seemed that nothing can make him feel better which is quite understandable. I am aware I betrayed and hurt him and could never put either of us through it again. I love him dearly but more often than not I look at him thinking and wondering if he’s thinking about it. He has gotten upset and spoken about it once mentioning he had trust issues with me but overall he hasn’t really talked about it. Even so I don’t believe him or I can say much more about it. I’m worried he could pull a stunt like that again and leave me for good. I want to bury this but I don’t know if he can. I love him so much and feel like he really is the one. Please help.

The past is the past, everyone has one, even couples who have been faithful throughout dislike the fact their partner slept with someone they didn't like or that wasn't right for them etc. He might be able to sense that you are still stewing over it, in which case, he will too.

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

You have said you are sorry and he has left you over it. But he came back, so clearly he had forgiven you to some extent for what happened. There is little point in dredging up the story again and again and apologising for it. Nothing can be changed about that right now. It's how you deal with it in the future that counts. Yes, he might have digs at you where he can about other men but if you show him that he is all you want then in time he will come to realise just as you did how little it meant.

The trust has been compromised, however for men it is a little about their ego too. You were his girlfriend and some other man has had you in a way that only he should. Men feel that sex equates to love and so if they don't get it they think that their partner doesn't want them anymore. So sex with another man might be interpreted as deliberately giving their away. As you have already said that is not the case.

Perhaps show him in your affections and actions that you love him and talk about what's to come, that way you are showing him that you want a commitment and see a future with him.

If he can't push past this there is little you can do to prove to him how much he means to you. But if he came back and can't cope without you then, this indicates that he wants to move on too.


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