Little Miss Sunshine asks :
Hi Lucy,
I still love my guy but I'm not in the right place sexually? I've been with my boyfriend just over a year, and it’s been wonderful. We love each other very much and spend lots of time together, doing lots of couply stuff like eating out together or going to the cinema. We're quite different, but a perfect match, and we want to be together long term. Recently, however, we've hit a hurdle. We've both always enjoyed having sex, neither of us were very experienced before meeting each other, but after a few initial fumbles it’s been great! However, something has gone a little bit wrong recently. My body is still responding to foreplay and sex the way it always has done, but mentally I'm not quite there. Somehow I'm just not 'in the moment' anymore - it's hard to explain, because I still love my boyfriend and find him attractive, and we aren't doing anything different, but the last few weeks I've felt like I'm going through the motions when we've had sex, and not really been getting into it. I'm not sure why this has happened - I've been a bit tired and stressed, also I'm not sure if the pill has an effect (but I've been taking it for about a year now), or is this just a natural development in relationships when the novelty wears off a little? We love each other, have talked about it, and are desperate for this not to end up being something that splits us apart. Can you help, or offer any suggestions? Thank you.
Hi Little Miss Sunshine,
Agony Aunts on Female First
You are quite right, the novelty can wear off in a sexual relationship after the initial honeymoon phase is over, it might be this just starting to kick in.
Similarly, the pill can have an effect your libido even if it has been fine for a year; there are instances where suddenly it’s not as effective as it once was. It might be that you need to pay a visit to your doctor to talk about your other options.
Tiredness and stress can also be a factor, as this can deplete your energy levels as well as make you preoccupied and that could explain your mind not being in it as much as it once was.
You say that you have already talked about it so that is a really positive sign. Sex is just as much about a physical connection as it is a mental one so being able to express your concerns with your partner is just as vital apart as the actual act.
If you are both desperate for it not to ruin the relationship then you will probably both do whatever it takes to get that spark reignited again- dressing up, role play, sex toys, bondage, there are so many things you could try to make changes to your routine and keep the sex alive.
It might just be that all of the reasons listed above have happened at once for you, which has caused the concern or it could be just one of them. Perhaps try out solutions of each one and see if you feel different. The sex isn’t always going to be amazing every time and sometimes it might feel that you are ‘going through the motions’- as soon as it feels like this then perhaps its time to change something else so it feels new and exciting again. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself and remember that is only one part of your relationship and with strength in other areas you should be able to push past this phase.
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