Bride-to-be asks :
Hi Lucy,
I am due to marry the most amazing man in 3 weeks. We are best friends, he is perfect in every way except one.
Our sex life is awful. It has been for about a year. We put it down to him smoking so he's started to quit using patches (the past 3 months) but it's not getting better. I have to practically beg him to have sex with me and he shows no interest in me sexually at all. He often struggles to get hard when we do try.
Our sex life used to be amazing but we both went through rough patches at work and it took a back seat and now we are struggling to get it back. He doesn't seem to understand why it is so important to me that we work this out.
We talk about everything but as soon as I bring our sex life up he ignores it or gets annoyed. Am I doing the right thing getting married? Is this something we can work out in the future or are we doomed? How do I get him to understand how I feel?
Hi Bride-to-be,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It sounds like this recent dry spell in your sex life has had a massive effect on both of you but in different ways. It seems that it has given you the desire for it more and him less.
Perhaps if he thinks the fault lies entirely with him and his smoking- it has knocked his confidence in the bedroom and that's why he gets annoyed or ignores it when the subject comes up.
If you are 'begging him' for sex when he's not in the mood or ready, then this might be putting pressure on him to perform when he's not in the right frame of mind. It might help to talk about it less and try letting your bodies do the talking instead.
If your sex life was once good and you love everything else about him, it may be worth putting the effort in to get your sex life back on track so you can enjoy all aspects of your relationship.
How do you broach the subject with him? If it's in a negative way this may be why he is shutting down and refusing to talk about it. However if you can talk about it in a more positive light, then this may help him to open up about how it's making him feel. Talking about the things you used to enjoy doing together and the things he did to you that made you happy in the bedroom could be a better way to approach.
It might help to start a dialogue about your sex life that doesn't necessarily end with sex, but just as a means of making the subject less taboo between you both.
Perhaps you could seek the help of a relationship counsellor who specialises in sex. Maybe you need some guidance to be able to talk about this more productively with a professional.
Another option is to make an appointment with the doctor. There may be other things he can do to help him to get an erection. Perhaps a change in diet, an increase in exercise or a change to his medication (if he's taking any) which can all be factors in decreased libido in men. Another possibility is that he is low in mood and might need some help with this as it can also affect a man's desire for sex.
Another trigger for erectile dysfunction is relationship problems so if he perceives the problem in your relationship to be him and him alone- this could be turning into an unending cycle. If you can break this cycle by being supportive and focusing on the other things you have together then you may be able to get your sex life back to the way it was.
Your relationship is more than just sex, but if a partner feels valued and loved by their significant other in all other areas it can naturally lead to a better sex life. So it might help to highlight all the other things he does right and your sex life may just fall into place.
tagged in Partner Bride best friend
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