Anonymous asks :
Hi Lucy,
We are still within the first year of our marriage, but been together for nearly 8 years & have a 6 year old child. I was the one that was keener to get married, since we got engaged my husband got more excited. Since we've been married things have been ok, not amazing but not terrible. But for the past few months I've started personal training sessions & become attracted to my trainer. My husband is booked in to be 'snipped' soon. I don't want him to do this, as we are still quite young & may want more children, either with each other or with someone else if our marriage doesn't work. I don't know what to do with my attraction to another man, he is a good trainer so I don't want to give that up, but should I suppress my feelings, should I discuss it with my husband? I wouldn't have an affair, as tempted as I may be. But if I'm feeling attracted to someone else, have I lost the passion for NY husband, should we call it quits now while we are still young instead of 20yrs down the line realising we're not right for each other, which we obviously thought we were at the time we got married-we had been together for a while so it's not like we rushed into it.
Our Reply
Hi Anonymous,
You say that your husband has booked in for a vasectomy and you are not happy with his decision- have you talked to him about your feelings surrounding this? It might be wise to express how this makes you feel especially if you want more children- as this is a decision that should ideally be made jointly.
Your attraction to another man might just be highlighting that your marriage needs work to find that attraction for each other again. Maybe having been together for so long you have lost your spark and need to find ways to try and get this back before considering separation. There is no harm in being attracted to other people while you're married- it’s only if you act on it that it becomes an issue.
Perhaps you could change to another personal trainer- there will be others out there who are up to the same standard as him. That way you don’t have to be distracted by the attraction and can get on with what you are there to do.
If you are feeling this way, then chances are he is too, so perhaps a chat about how you can recover some of the things that attracted you to each initially might help. Every relationship needs a reboot at some point- this might just be your time.
If this doesn’t work then there is always counselling- an impartial person could help you to look at the areas of your marriage that need work and those that are not retrievable. However in those cases there are always other things to replace them as you evolve as a couple- but the first step is communication.
tagged in Child Marriage Lucy Walton Husband married yin and yang agony aunt
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