Em asks :
Dear Lucy, I'm 24 years old and have never been in a relationship. But three weeks ago, I met this guy, and we've been dating since (1-2 times a week). Things are going great. We get along, we laugh together, and we've had sex (he was my first...). When I told him I was still a virgin, he admitted that he didn't really know what he wanted (relationship-wise), but that he was willing to "try", because he thought I was a really nice person. I didn't ask further because I didn't really know what to say! By the way, he was really considerate when we had sex and made sure I was OK (both morally and physically). He touches and kisses me a lot (he loves to cuddle), we text/chat online every day and he's sent me some texts which suggest that he misses me when I'm not with him (eg: during a night out with friends, he texted me: "it would be better if you were here"). He remembers a lot of details about stuff that I tell him. Also, he's showed me a lot of pictures/videos of his friends and family and gave me access to his private website, to which only a few people have access. He also showed enthusiasm when I told him I'd prepared some pictures to show him in return. The other week, he cancelled his plans with his friends in order to go out with me. Now, I'm having a really good time with him. I like him a lot and could very well fall in love with him. I'd like to know where this "thing" is going, but I'm afraid to ask him... I don't want to spoil our nice moments together by pressuring him. But I can't stop thinking about it! Is he my boyfriend? Does he want to be my boyfriend? Is it too early to even bring that up after one month of dating? Thank you for your advice!
Our Reply
Dear Em,
All of the things you are telling me here do sound positive and are often precursors of something more serious. But it comes down to what you want form a relationship. If you want to know where you stand and if he is being monogamous towards you then you have the right to ask, even if you have only been going out a few weeks.
If everything else is going well and you do end up falling for him, it will hurt more much further down the line if you find out that he doesn’t want anything serious.
There is no need to scare him away- if you simply tell him that what you need from a relationship is fidelity and that you don’t believe in casual relationships (which is what it sounds like you want from what you have told me) and ask him if he can fall in line with that.
If he can’t then at least you have saved yourself some hurt and if he can then you can relax more into the relationship with him and take it one day at a time.
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