Anna asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have recently split from my second husband of 3 years. I felt he drank too much at the weekend and resented me from seeing my family. He is estranged from his. Just as I am about to get settled into a new house, he now wants to "talk about us". I feel myself being drawn back to him, and I still love him. My grown up children hate him and want me to cut all ties. I feel like I have to choose between them. What should I do?
Hi Anna,
Agony Aunts on Female First
You may love him; however were you happy with him? If you think back to when you were together how does that make you feel? Do you look back and miss those times or do you look back with resentment?
Perhaps the reason he didn’t want you to see your family is because he was jealous and so wanted you to feel about yours the way he does about his. There is nothing that bonds two people more than mutual negativity. Maybe he wanted someone close to him to understand how he was feeling.
Maybe stick with your plan of being in your new house and see how things go. If you have got this far and you go back only to find that he has not changed then you might have to go through it all again.
If he is not popular with your children it may be if he is estranged from his family that he doesn’t have a natural rapport with children, young or old. If he is your second husband then it could be that they still favour their father over him, which potentially puts him at a disadvantage right away.
You may not have to choose if you don’t want to. If you are in your own place then it is neutral territory- you could have your kids around and then perhaps go and see him if you feel there is still something to pursue.
That said, habits are difficult to change in adults so you may find that he still drinks and ‘resents you from seeing your family’. If he really wants it to work then perhaps he needs to know what you were finding difficult to cope with and see if he is willing to change.
tagged in Love children Family Husband yin and yang agony aunt
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