Tracy asks :

Hi Lucy,

My partner is talking to girls behind my back. Liking their photos and chatting most evenings with two separate girls. He says nothing will come if either because one has a boyfriend and the other lives too far away he says. I'm not happy with this as it means no conversation between us so the evenings drag and I get bored. He says it's because we live too much in the sticks and he's just a sociable person and with having three sisters finds he gets on better with girls than men. He has found these girls on a dating website. I am much older than him and he does want a family that's why he's on that site. I hate that he is and he knows it as I know my time with him is limited because of this. He knows it upsets me but he keeps doing it. He says there's nothing wrong with talking but it'll only take one girl to meet him and I'll lose him for good. He says this won't happen but how can he be so sure? I'm scared if losing him and being on my own. I was married for 23 years to a domineering man. My partner treats me with more respect but feels what he is doing is ok. I said how would he feel if the tables were turned and he said probably upset. I don't talk to anyone outside of work. I'd be lost without him but I fear I can't stop him. What should I do?

Our Reply

Hi Tracy,

Given that you are his partner, it sounds very frustrating to be cast aside for other women in your boyfriend’s life.

Men who do grow up with women sometimes gravitate towards them in later life, in the form of a partner or a friend, this is possibly something that is natural to him.  

That said, registering on a dating site when he is with you and telling you that if one of them were to meet up with him that he would stray, leaves you no guarantee of the relationship and might affect your trust for him. Communication is important, as is trust and security, all of which you sound like you are currently lacking.

He acknowledges that if you were doing the same, he would be upset, so out of respect for you then he should perhaps stop talking to prospective dates.

If your fear is all down to not having anyone around you then that is not the best reason to stay with someone who is not giving you unconditional love.

If you were married to someone domineering before then you might still have the habits from the old relationship that you have carried through to this one. This could mean that you feel you perhaps can’t stand up to him or that you can’t help him to change. You are then left with a choice- change him or change yourself- if you can’t do the first, then perhaps look at the second option more closely.

Maybe arrange a night out with one of your work colleagues and get to know them better, so you feel you have a point of contact outside of work. Or call your friends or family and talk to them about this, the more support you can gather the better. There are always people around you that want to listen to you, so possibly take advantage of this and tell them how you are feeling and what you feel you should ultimately do.

 

 


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