Sam asks :
Hi Lucy,
Has my boyfriend lost interest? I'm 23, my boyfriend is the same age and we have been together for a year and a half, we also live together. We used to have sex a couple times a day, now I'm lucky if it’s once a week. It could be down to stress with his new job, but surely it would relieve him? He's not the most affectionate person, but at least when we had a lot of sex he didn't need to be. Now it's like we are just friends! I have bought it up to him but he just gets angered by it, says I'm putting too much pressure on it. It was never an issue, he always wanted to and I always kept it exciting. I wondered if it was just me making the effort so, the past 6-9 months I’ve left it up to him to spice things up as I very rarely come, so sex is really mostly about him. But I don't mind. I just wanted him to take initiative, want to make me cum and want to explore me. He says he wants to be kept on his toes and that sex with me can be easily achieved. So I hold back and NOTHING happens. It's really affecting me, having hardly any affection. He says it makes me seem needy when I mention this and It's not attractive. What do I do? I should also mention I have depression and in my final month of university, so my stress might be putting him off, but I do my best to separate the issues. I love him and I know he loves me, and I trust him enough to not suspect him of getting it anywhere else. It just seems like he's gone off me, finds me unattractive. He used to be such a playboy, I'm even his first girlfriend. I don't know whether it's just a phase and I should make more of an effort to get out of it? Or there is a deep rooted issue here that I haven't addressed... Please help, it's breaking me.
Our Reply
Hi Sam,
It sounds like you are both under a lot of pressure, you with your depression and university commitments and him and his new job. Stress can affect a couple’s sex life, so it is probably wise to take that into account.
It seems that you have tried a few things to try and get your sex life going again. Firstly sex should never be a substitute for affection; you need both in a relationship not just one. Affection is a signal to the other person that you don’t only see them as a sexual object but you also like to be near them because you enjoy the intimacy of their company and touch. Perhaps you have overlooked this before because, as you say, you were getting attention from him in the form of sex, so it’s even more apparent now that you are no longer regularly sexually active. Affection is not needy; it’s about the way you seek it out. Perhaps actions speak louder than words here- maybe snuggle up to him on the couch, or get him to put his arm around you, or make a point of kissing him when you leave and come in from your day, rather than asking him which can come across as a bit staged.
If you love each other and you don’t suspect cheating then I would suggest talking to him about his job. Relationships are as much about emotional support and he might need some right now if he is stressed at work. That said, you need this in return- it’s a two way street- so make sure that you are communicating with each other effectively. Talking can be a great stress reliever.
How have you approached the subject in the past? If you have been angry when you have talked to him about the lack of sex then perhaps talk to him about it when you are a bit calmer. Accusation and criticism are not great when talking about sex because it’s a sensitive subject for men- so try to be as diplomatic as possible when you approach the subject and perhaps try to focus on what you can have not what you are lacking.
In terms of your satisfaction, your sex life should not all be about him- again you should both be able to enjoy it and aim to please each other. If you have tried any or all of the above and he is still not willing to make the effort in the bedroom or who you any affection, then perhaps you need to look for someone who will.
tagged in University couple Lucy Walton boyfriend yin and yang agony aunt
Need Help?
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.