Sandra asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been with my partner for eleven years we were both married before, him twice. I got my divorce 3 years ago and have been eagerly waiting for him to get his because we have talked about getting married for many years. In fact I've lost count of how many times he has asked me to marry him. Questions like do you still want to marry me, I’d say of course I do but the last time he asked me I said no, I’m so fed up of waiting and asking me all the time but not one proper proposal, that's what I wanted. We even picked out a ring 2 years ago together but I’ve never got it. He puts it down to not having the money for a divorce. I’m starting to resent him now and this is affecting our relationship. I know he really loves me and I love him but will I ever be able to get past this? He doesn't know how much it hurts me that he hasn't got divorced and made a proper proposal to me. What's your view?
Our Reply
Hi Sandra,
It sounds like you are very torn between your love for him and your dream of finally making that commitment to one another.
Perhaps you could put a plan in place to save up the money to pay for his divorce if he says that this is a problem. Sometimes the final figure can seem an awful lot, but maybe if you start saving specifically for that then you might be in a position to start a fresh.
Have you considered couples counselling? Or telling him how it makes you feel? You were in the same position as him have you asked him how he would feel now if the roles were reversed? This might give him a greater perspective on how you are feeling right now.
All you seem to want is to make your relationship official in front your friends and family- if he loves you –there might be the same feeling in him, that he perhaps thinks he can never achieve because of the money.
If you see a counsellor they might be able to help you explore your need to get married and your resentment for him while you are not as well and his inclination to wait.
Either way, if you love each other, this is a good building block for you to work from to get through this together.
tagged in Divorce Partner Relationship married yin and yang agony aunt
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