Jo asks :
Hi Lucy,
As a treat to their children and grandchildren on their 50th wedding anniversary, my parents are treating the family to a holiday in Disneyworld in October. Just one problem, my sister who has been suffering a complicated (benign) brain tumour for 4 years can't do the trip and is forbidding her 2 children aged 16 and 14 to come with us. She is so angry that our parents have chosen somewhere she can't go to, and has no interest in. She is so resentful towards our mum at the best of times so she wouldn't choose to go on holiday with her anyway (not really the point though). My 14 year old niece is so upset she's not allowed to go (her 16 year old brother isn't too bothered) and has been crying a lot over this but my sister and her husband, who is 100% supportive of her decision, aren't budging or seeing this situation from a different perspective. I live in Australia with my husband and 2 sons, my mum, dad, sister and her family live in England and my brother, wife and his 2 sons live in Sweden so this is a rare chance to get us (almost) all together in a fantastic place for the cousins to share some great experiences. I can see the situation from all sides but I feel my sister's illness is affecting her judgement, it's been an awful struggle for her and there will be lots of underlying emotions and anger resulting in her decision to stop her kids from coming but I really feel that my niece will be lifelong affected by this if she doesn't come. I haven't asked my sister personally if she could reconsider as I don't want to do it the wrong way and upset her. Please can you let me know what you think would be the best way to approach this to obtain the most positive outcome? Thank you!
Hi Jo,
Agony Aunts on Female First
This does sound very upsetting especially when it seems like it's dividing the family.
She may be affected by her illness, however if her husband is backing her up on this then it would take you to change both his and her mind, which could be quite difficult.
It might be great opportunity for her children; however she might feel nervous about them being on their own, even if they are with family, but not under her supervision.
If you have not approached her yet and you feel you need to, then perhaps given her a call or write her a letter. It sounds like she might be angry with your mother and not you so perhaps you might get a better reaction from her.
Perhaps if you talk to her about your reasons for asking her to change her mind rather than anyone else's she might be more inclined to listen. If she feels that you are trying to change the outcome on behalf of someone else she might shut down.
Could it be possible to arrange a trip further down the line that she can be involved in? Could you all go to visit her if her illness has prevented her coming on this trip? Maybe that could be a way to compromise and you all to be together for the first time.
That said, you mention that she would not choose to go on a holiday with your mother so maybe if you were to bring that to her attention then the possibility of you ever having a family holiday together is quite slim. If you approach her from the children's point of view then she might see it as a missed opportunity for them and put her reservations to one side.
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