Simon asks :
Hi Lucy,
A few months back I've met this girl she's amazing she's pretty, intelligent and just makes me very happy. There's been a few times when I've done things without thinking and I know it's upset her but I've always managed to make it up to her but now I feel like I've made a massive mistake and I'm worried I won't be able to regain her trust. On a night out with some of my friends we ended up in a strip club where my friends gave me the option to leave but I decided to stay. I was uncertain of telling her because of the fear of losing her. I've told her now because I received a text off someone who used to be my friend but is now trying to break up my relationship; the text read "how was the lap dance?” I did not actually have a lap dance but it's hard to prove to my girlfriend that I haven't even after I've got my friends to tell her I haven't had one. She’s now asked me to take a lie detector but I do not have the money. To add to this she has a close relationship with her mother who is really friendly and my girlfriend has told her so I'm worried about her mum no longer approving of our relationship and not liking me especially after she has a bad past with my girlfriend’s father. Furthermore my girlfriend suffers from bad anxiety I always tell her she's perfect and beautiful which she says has really helped her, but now she says I've knocked her confidence back because I went and looked at other girls. I feel really disgusting about it and I've apologised in various ways like writing letters to her, buying her chocolates and trying to make an effort to show I mean it when I say I'm sorry. I also said I'd be better and that I'd change and if I'd ever upset her like that again I want her to leave me. To see her upset rips me apart but to see her not trusting me makes me feel horrific. I don't know what I can do to regain her trust and prove to her mum that I will look after her and not leave her. I am loyal to her but I've made a huge mistake. I've asked my parents for advice they've both just told me to give it time. I and my girlfriend are very close we spend every day and almost every night together. She's helped me exceed in my sport and supported me through everything. I truly feel I've let her down. How can I regain her trust and show her I'm sorry? I don't wish to lose her I want to make mine and her dream come true and travel the world with her one day. Also another key issue is that I'm moving to Germany for 2 years to study sport I will be visiting her a lot but I want her to not be paranoid when I'm away. What can I do? Thanks for your time, Simon
Hi Simon,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Women can feel very vulnerable about their partner going to a strip club for stag dos etc., especially if they have low self-esteem in the first place. It can feel for some women that their partner is seeking out another woman to replace them with, or that they are not enough for their partner aesthetically.
If she is close to her mother, I would suggest talking to her. It sounds like she might take the advice of her mum if she has a good bond with her already- if you win her over you might just get your girlfriend bac. Perhaps arrange to see her when your partner is not in, talk to her and tell her everything you have told me. It sounds like you have thought about the future, that she means a lot to you and you respect the relationship- all of which are music to any parents ears.
Everyone makes mistakes in relationships, and it seems that you have learned on this occasion never to do this again. This will happen throughout your time together, the important this is how you both deal with each other's errors of judgement.
If she won't speak to you then perhaps write her mum a letter. Although it's the approval of your girlfriend that matters, it helps to have the parents on board too. You may need to prove to her that you are not all like her partner, so she doesn't make too many assumptions because of any bias she might have from her own romantic life.
Your parents might be right, she may just need time, however a little perseverance during that time might make her realise that you are willing to fight for her and that you have been wrongly accused.
tagged in Germany
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