Sarah asks :
Hi Lucy,
Me and my partner have been together for around 3 years and recently there is always one argument that has been coming up. We aren't intimate with each other that often. We have sex around twice a week if that. This is the case as he is often too tired to do it because of work etc. It's frustrating for both of us as whenever we do get round to having sex, if it has been a while, he doesn't last long therefore it is not fulfilling. This then just puts me off and I just end up with the feeling of 'I can't be bothered'. Whenever I try to make suggestions it always turns into an argument as he says that I'm blaming it on him. Please help!
Hi Sarah,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Twice a week is the norm for many couples, however if this is less than when you first started dating- it's not necessarily a bad thing. Couples have less sex as their friendship and bond become greater and they exit the honeymoon phase. The longer they are together, the less sex they might have but the quality increases. Life does get in the way and sometimes it's hard to summon up the energy to have sex when things like work make people stressed.
It sounds like you might need to stop fixating on numbers and have sex when the mood takes you. If that's a couple of weeks apart then it might be better to have a really good sex session rather than twice a week because it's a habit or you are trying to compete with your old selves.
If he finishes too quickly then I would advise to make more time for sex and take things slow. Light some candles; give each other a massage and extend your foreplay, ask him to spend more time on you so you feel that fulfilment again. As he is about to climax take it down a notch and tease him rather than letting him orgasm.
It seems like the pressure you are putting on yourselves might be affecting the mood. Why not book a weekend away and forget about work for a couple of days to try and reconnect? Set aside a night each week when you turn off your phones and the TV and just enjoy each other.
Rather than making suggestions beforehand, why not kiss him and touch him to get things started and then suggest doing something new or hint at having sex somewhere different. He may be much more receptive to your ideas if you in the moment as it might feel quite staged otherwise.
It sounds like he blames himself for the issues you are having with your sex life, so perhaps he would benefit from some positive reinforcement- tell him what he does to you that works. If he feels he is the reason for your sex life taking a hit then he may feel quite deflated about the whole thing- thus making him avoid it. Giving him that boost might be just what he needs to get things back on course again.
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