Hussain asks :

Hi Lucy, 

I’m a 28 year old guy. I have been in a relationship for the last 4 years. There is not much happening in my sex life. Whenever I try to get intimate with her, I feel like there is no feeling of excitement from her side. She has ever proactively showed any interest for it or initiated it. Is she asexual? How do I find out?? Please help me with it. Thank you.

 

Hi Hussain,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

I would suggest talking to your partner about your sex life first. Couples can get into routines- if you have always been the one who's initiated sex, then perhaps she assumes you prefer it this way. If you want her to make the first move, then you could ask her or make some suggestions of how she could do this.

When only one partner initiates sex there can be doubt over loss of attraction or dissatisfaction in the bedroom, so it may be that you need to rule these out first. If the issue is dissatisfaction then you could talk through ways in which you can make your sex life fresher with sex toys, role play or dressing up to name a few.

Perhaps there is an underlying issue here- maybe she lacks confidence and that is why she always lets you take the lead. If this is the case, then you might need to work together to build her confidence with small but meaningful changes.

She may have a low sex drive due to medication she might be taking, stress or depression, all of which can affect a woman's libido. It might be helpful to talk to her and discuss all the possibilities before assuming anything.

If you think that you will struggle to talk about sex life on your own, then perhaps you could enrol in some sex counselling somewhere like Relate. Often couples need an extra, impartial person to help them through their sexual issues. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help if you need it.


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