Elle asks :
Hi Lucy,
My boyfriend went to a strip club and I just can't get over it. He was the best man at a stag do and after lying about the night for weeks he finally admitted they spent most of the night there and paid for a lot of private dances, he's still paying off the debt on his credit card a year later. Please can you give me some advice on how to get over this, I don't want it to ruin my relationship but my trust in him and confidence has been completely shattered, I feel sick and humiliated at the thought of him paying some gorgeous girl to dance all over him.
Hi Elle,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Although it is not technically cheating, stripping can cause divided opinion within relationships between men and women as it's a form of foreplay that couples might engage in together. Seeing a stranger do it, can take away the exclusivity of it with their partner. If couples don't engage in this act before sex, it can bring up the question of whether there is something missing in the relationship that one of the partners is trying to fulfil elsewhere.
Perhaps the bigger betrayal is that he didn't tell you the truth and that has affected your trust of him more than the act itself. It sounds like it's just worsened by the fact that it was the result of doing something you don't agree with.
If this is not something you discussed before the stag do, then he may not have known about the boundaries. However, the fact he lied to you about it might imply that he knew you wouldn't approve.
Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? If not then it might be worth exploring these emotions with him and ask him how he would react if you were to have done the same. Perhaps ask him why he did it in the first place and why he kept it from you for so long. If you haven't discussed it already then now might be the time.
If talking alone doesn't work, I would suggest seeing a relationship counsellor to explore why he felt the need to have so many private dances and how you can work together to regain the trust back in your relationship. It sounds like you are willing to put in whatever it takes to stop this from ruining your relationship, which is a good attitude to have, you just need your partner on board with the same determination to earn your trust back.
tagged in boyfriend
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