Gurv asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have a brother - we are both married. My brother has new born and we are also expecting. My brother's wife was initially very troublesome and coming between us all and now since I have got married, my wife and my sister in law don't see eye to eye. My wife feels my SIL doesn't make effort and everyone takes her side and I presume my SIL feels the opposite way. It seems to be tit for tat and is getting me down. I see flaws in my SIL and I know my wife is slowly giving up and not making effort now either. My parents say if one doesn't make effort, the other still should and that way the family will stay together but how can one make effort all the time - it should be reciprocated. My SIL will show to make effort in front of my parents which makes my wife look bad. Because we are starting our own families, I want this resolved so that our kids can grow up together, our parents can live happy lives knowing they have kids who get on. Me and my brother used to be close, but since we have got married we have slowly started to drift apart - I know this is having a negative effect on my parents with my mum crying most days. I don't know what to do.
Hi Gurv,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It sounds like everyone knows about this situation but no one will speak of it with your partner or your sister in law. Perhaps you could all sit down together and discuss this. Be open and honest about what the women like and dislike about each other and get it all out in the open rather than relying on rumours and second hand information. If it means they have to agree to disagree then that might be the only way to move on. The fact is- there is a family unit in jeapordy here, so both women ideally need to realise that their differences can be put aside for the greater good. It seems that they are both thinking about their own feelings first and not the needs of their partner or their children, so perhaps one of you could remind them of the impact its having not just on them but other people too. This might help them to put things into perspective.
It is unlikely that when a large family is joined that everyone will get on- however sometimes people have to make it work for the sake of those they love.
Could you talk to your brother about this if you have only talked to your mother and partner so far? Perhaps you could have a meeting just the four of you rather than involving your parents if your mother is suffering with this already? That way you could act as mediators if they conversation got a bit heated.
It is understandable that you want this sorted before your family gets here as this could have a direct influence on how they interact with one another later in life if sides are taken now.
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