How can I stop arguing in relationships like my parents do?

by Lucy Moore | 3 November 2014

Hi Bob,

Agony Aunts on Female First

It is normal and natural to mimic our parent’s relationships and how they conduct themselves in them. When you then get into relationships yourself, you are programmed to think that this is the way to be with your partner, rightly or wrongly so, because it is all you have known throughout your childhood.

The most positive step is that you have recognized that it is not healthy in any relationship to argue a lot. You have also realized that it could be affecting your present and future relationships too; both of these observations will benefit you in time because you have acknowledged that this could become an even bigger problem if not dealt with now.

All I would ask is to figure out what you might commonly argue over with a partner or potential partner? Perhaps every time you feel yourself tipping into argument mode, take a step back and try to handle it differently. If this is a well-rehearsed habit, it will be difficult at first, but once you get into the swing of thinking before you pick a fight it should come just as naturally as reacting negatively to a situation. If you know what pushes your buttons, then act with extra caution around these subjects.

For any relationship to be successful you need to be able to communicate with one another effectively or is will just descend into a fight every time. It is normal not to see eye to eye on everything but the most important factor is how it’s handled. 

Maybe you could start a journal and every time you have felt aggrieved in the day by a partner- write it down and deconstruct it until you have removed the anger and got to the route of the problem an then tell your partner. The issue with arguing is that neither party has enough time to think about their point of view carefully and often people say things that they don’t really mean and hurt can be caused in the process. Sometimes other niggles get brought into an argument that have nothing to do with what you are disagreeing over at that moment and then it gets a whole lot worse.

If you have an issue with a partner, I would suggest that you sit down so you are on equal footing and talk to them in a level tone. If someone raises their voice it can encourage the recipient to shut down and make no effort to try and negotiate or it makes them explode in the same way in defense. Neither of which are helpful. 

Although your parents have been your primary influence over your own relationships and how to behave- it does not mean that you have to follow in their footsteps.

I would suggest that every time you feel yourself slipping into an argument you think of the effect that speaking this way to each other had on your parents and use that as an incentive as what not to do. 

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by Lucy Moore for relationships.femalefirst.co.uk
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