Anonymous asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been talking to one of my best mates for 3 years, I had always liked him since the day I started talking to him. However, he lives in England and I live in Ireland. We've always been there for each other when were both upset! We're just a phone call away. We've spent endless nights on webcam, Skype and on the phone and we have a really strong relationship. Anytime I have a problem he's straight on the phone to me trying to help get my mind off it. I love him to bits and he knows that. He's told me he loves me too, and we've talked about silly things like being a "plan B" for each other if we aren't married when were 30 etc. He tells me that he loves me at random times of the day through text and tells me I'm beautiful and things. The thing is, he has a girlfriend and has done for a year. I only brought it up recently and he said he wasn't happy with his girlfriend, to that I asked why was he even going out with her if he wasn't happy? But I guess that's between them anyway. I don't even know why I feel so heartbroken about this, I've stepped back a bit from contacting him because I don't get between the two of them as she seems like such a lovely girl, and he's a lovely guy. .. I don't even know what my question Is.. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest..
Our Reply
Hi Anonymous,
That is ok, you don’t need a question, it’s a really positive step that you have been able to put your feelings down and share them. You could be finding this difficult because it sounds like you have everything that two people would normally get from a relationship apart from being intimate with one another. You tell each other you love each other, you compliment each other on your looks, you are there when things are hard. All of these attributes can be associated with a romantic relationship as well as a friendship so the lines sometimes become blurred.
It is perhaps made more difficult by the fact that you have made a promise of if you are not attached at 30; you will get together- your ‘Plan B’. This could potentially hinder your chances of looking for someone because the pressure is off. A lot of drive to date is the fear of not having someone to love romantically by certain milestones. People are encouraged by the media and by their family and friends to find someone to spend their lives with. It is also one of our basic human needs programmed into us, because in simplistic terms we are expected to be paired off and reproduce.
So, given this guarantee of being with someone whom you love and are compatible with, you might not feel the need to find someone and wait for this. You were the main woman in his life until his girlfriend came on the scene, so it is perfectly normal to feel a bit territorial, even if you are not going out. It is natural to want to find out why things are not going so well between them, as you will probably want to be there for him if he needs someone to talk to.
If things do end with him and his girlfriend, then continue to be the support system you always have. If you find in future that you both feel like you could have a go at a romantic relationship then take it as it comes.
Lucy x
tagged in England Love Relationship Ireland yin and yang agony aunt
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