Jason asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have been married for 23 years, met my wife 30 years ago. We have a 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter. When we met we were best friends and lovers and inseparable. I realise now that this was not good for us and I sacrificed too many of my life ambitions for the cosiness of a marriage and family life - even though I have always wanted these things. I have always had a tremendously high sex drive and have never found what I wanted in this relationship. However, I was a virgin when we met and did not realise till years later how much I needed and how much of a gap there was between us. Ten years ago I had an affair with a Caribbean woman, madly passionate experience, tempestuous, sexy .... Ultimately unsustainable, although at the time I thought I had found my true soul mate. My wife and I patched it up and have struggled through since then, though without sex for 9 years now. We have discussed separation after arguments but stepped back from the cliff edge, partly because of our children and partly because we have become our own institution that we don't want to break. However, my sex drive has not relented and through my travels in Asia have met other women and discovered the joys I always imagined were there. One woman in particular, from the Philippines, I developed a relationship with and she ended up pregnant. The little girl is now 4 years old and I love them very much. I see them 2-3n times each year and support them the best I can, though this is difficult. So I in a real mess. Although I feel I am a good guy at heart, and most people see me that way, I know I have acted irresponsibly, I am deceiving two women and wish I could start my life again. The guilt is with me every day and night, I am not healthy and periodically have thoughts about disappearing - though I am not that kind of person and will never do that, I am torn up so badly I can see no way out. Please, without reminding me how bad I have been, do you have any suggestions for how to work through this in the best way for all concerned??? I am lost and desperate.
Our Reply
Hi Jason,
It sounds like everything is getting on top of you right now and you have very mixed emotions for many areas and people in your life.
Have you considered couples counselling? Many couples experience a lack of sex the longer they are together and the temptation to stray because of a lack of these needs being met. It may seem like it’s too late for this but if you feel a loyalty still to your wife and your children- then it might be worth exploring how you can make the most out of your home-life and perhaps try to rekindle your sex life.
What is important to note here is that your have had the courage to write in and hold up your hands and admit that you have some regrets. Acknowledging this is a huge step in your journey to get where you need to be, whatever you choose to be your goal.
You say that most people see you as a ‘good guy’- so your still have allies and people who know that you did something you are no proud of but that you are trying to make up for now.
If you don’t feel couples counselling would help then perhaps some individual counselling might be the answer-to help you deal with the guilt that you are carrying over this. Your words- ‘disappearing’ and ‘no way out’ sound to me like you could do with a professional listening ear to help you through this pain. Or you could call The Samaritans to talk to someone if your appointment is not for a while with your doctor for a referral.
Everyone makes mistakes- it takes a strong person come forward and own up to them. Perhaps try channelling this strength into building bridges again not only with your family but with yourself.
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