Samantha asks :

Hi Lucy,

I am at my wits end and need help! I am 29 and my fiancé is 34. We have been together three years and are very much in love. When we first started dating he couldn't keep his hands off me and had a very high sex drive. For the first year of our relationship we would make love as often as possible and I felt connected and wanted. The past two years however have been frustrating beyond words. My sex drive means I want to make love to him three or four times a week as this makes me feel connected desired and loved. But he has completely lost all desire. We do kiss and cuddle often but he has completely stopped initiating sex and when I do, I am often rejected which has crushed my esteem. He used to have sex with me once, then not come near me for weeks, then have sex again and not come near me again for weeks- recently it has got so bad that we are in separate rooms and have not made love in two months. We have tried so much to talk about it but it ends up in rows. I asked him of he has met someone else and he says no and that he adores me. I have told him that sex is important to me but nothing seems to work. I really don't know what to do. I love him so much but I'm so unhappy right now.

Our Reply

Hi Samantha,

This does sound very frustrating when all you want to do is express your love and connection to him and this situation is stopping you from doing so.

This is clearly a very sensitive subject for him. Have you suggested some couples counselling? This could help you to talk about things in an impartial environment and explore why his drive has dwindled why yours has stayed the same and the conflict it has caused.

It is normal for the sex to become less frequent the longer a couple are together- so that could explain it to some extent. However the cuddling and kissing I presume has now stooped too if you are sleeping in separate beds.

Have you considered that it could be something physical that is going on with him to reduce his sex drive? Men are very proud creatures when to comes to their sex lives- so perhaps it’s something medical that he is embarrassed to talk about.

How do you approach the subject when you do talk about it? Do you approach it with anger or calm? If your anger and passion come through then this can encourage people to shut down and not disclose anything. If you talk to him about it very calmly then this might encourage him to respond in the same way. You have told him how it makes you feel have you asked him how it makes him feel? You have asked him if he has been unfaithful, which he has admitted he hasn’t and that he ‘adores you’ so you still have a good solid basis to work from if you both love each other. It will just take time and patience to try and understand where each one of you is at emotionally and physically.

Whatever it is, perhaps try to be supportive rather than focusing on what you are missing out on and the negatives. Try to remember a time that you both enjoyed in your sex life- a holiday where the sex was especially good, or a hotel you stayed in and had a great night of passion. This memory, might remind him of what you are capable of as a couple sexually and hopefully bring him back to you.  

 


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