mairead asks :
Hi Lucy,
I don't really do this but I need some unbiased advice. I really don't know what's wrong with me I just can't seem to develop feelings for any boy. It’s the same pattern every time. I meet a boy through various means e.g. through friends, nights out etc. We text for a while meet a couple of times and then I just lose interest and have to awkwardly tell them I don't want anything serious. I've really liked a few guys in the past, I've been paranoid when they didn't text me or took ages to reply, every time they told me they were going out I was afraid they'd kiss someone else and I rarely pulled a guy (kissed) when I went out. That's how I know I've really liked them but most times they’ve been dicks and I've been left heartbroken. Now it's just the same pattern all the time. I was dating a guy a few months back we saw each other like 3 times a week but then after 2 weeks he asked me to be his girlfriend and I completely freaked out. & now I've been texting this guy and I was really into it at the start but now I don't even care if it takes him 2 days to reply which would usually bother me if I liked him. But I’m lonely all the time and jealous of the rest of my friends when they have a guy in their lives. I know I'm only 20 but it's been constantly like this for a while now and I don't know how to fix it.
Our Reply
Hi Mairead, thanks for getting in touch.
Usually when you push someone away it’s because of the way you feel about yourself- an insecurity. It sounds like because your first encounters with men were all bad, you have protected yourself from them later on in life, to stop yourself getting hurt.
Even if you think someone is the one, you run the risk of getting hurt. Everyone does when they enter into a relationship. Even if their partner doesn’t cheat on them, other things happen along the way to strong couples that tear them apart. Clearly you are a catch, as the guy who asked you out would not have bothered if he thought it wasn’t worth his time, but he did, which shows that some men are willing to take that risk with you. It may just be that you have not met the one yet, or someone you feel strongly about and want to start dating.
Something in him sparked your interest to see someone so regularly in a week, so what was it? Remember that attraction is key in the first few weeks and months of being together and other feelings may follow later. As long as you can stand to spend time with them and you are attracted to them physically and emotionally in the initial stages of being with someone that’s all that matters. If the feelings progress from there then great, and if not then you know they are probably not for you. Unfortunately, relationships are all about trial and error. If you never let yourself get into one and run the risk of it going wrong, you can’t filter out those men that you don’t like to find the one you do.
Good luck,
Lucy x
tagged in Friends Kiss Lucy Walton yin and yang agony aunt kissed
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