Barton asks :

Hi Lucy,  

My girlfriend has a condition whereby she cannot have sexual intercourse. We've had sex twice in the last 21 months. Both times she didn't enjoy it which means I didn't enjoy it. I love her but this lack of sex is getting to me. She tries her best to satisfy me sexually in other ways but it's still not sex at the end of the day. To cut to the chase, I've been considering a visit to an escort! It would just be sex without emotion involved, I guess that's how I'm trying to rationalise it. Have you any advice for someone in my situation? Am I potentially never going to have sex again? Thanks

Hi Barton,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

If you have had sex in the last 2 years, then it sounds like she can be penetrated but perhaps it’s uncomfortable for her. Something like this could be caused by a psychological condition called Vaginismus- in which case she may be able to get some help to overcome the fear of the pain experienced during sex. If she anticipates pain then this will almost certainly put her off any type of sexual contact. Have you talked to her about her possible options? Does she know what they are? Perhaps you could research some of these together so are both working as a team to get your sex life back on track.

If you love her then perhaps you just need to be a little more patient as she receives the help she requires. It sounds like she is trying her best to keep you happy in the bedroom, so it seems that she wants you to be satisfied. If she were resentful of your satisfaction then this could worsen the problem.  

If the condition does not improve then perhaps you could talk to her about other arrangements. She may expect you to be faithful, however if she is unable to have penetrative sex, then perhaps she will be open to making allowances where this is concerned as the circumstances are exceptional. It might be best to talk to her first before making any decisions about an escort. If she knows that you are thinking along these lines it could spur her on to find some professional help.

If she cannot bear the thought of you sleeping with someone else and this is going to be a big issue for you in the long term, then maybe you two are not meant to be. Maybe she needs to find someone who is willing to sacrifice a full sex life and embrace the other areas of the relationship. 


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