Somy asks :
Hi Lucy,
My husband is terrible with money and when we first got together 12 years ago when I was 21 I paid off his debts in 1000's. Hoping he could start fresh. Most of these debts started from fines that were ignored and spiralled out of control. He promised to be more responsible but failed to do so and stooped so low he pawned my wedding ring. He stole money from our joint account and many other things which he forever denied until I found proof. Recently I found statements from his credit cards and he’s over the limit with every single one totalling to about 2000. He doesn’t share his feelings. We hardly talk. To keep the peace I pretend I’m happy. It’s really beginning to affect my self-esteem. I put everything into this relationship. We have 2 boys. He has a temper so every time I attempt to discuss us we start arguing. Everyone thinks were happy. Even if I asked where he spent that money he won’t tell me the truth. He makes out I’m the one with the problem.
Hi Somy,
Agony Aunts on Female First
This sounds like a really disappointing place to be right now, when you have helped him get out of his money troubles and he has reverted back to the way he used to be with his finances.
It must be extremely difficult to keep up the disguise that you are a happy family when you are feeling the opposite too.
Have you considered some relationship counselling to encourage you both to talk about money more? It can be a sensitive issue for a couple, especially if there have been some large blips along the way, however it greatly helps if you can find a balance, more so if you have children to think about too.
If he thinks you are the one with the problem, then it sounds like he is in some denial here, maybe he would benefit from some individual counselling so he can find a way to admit to himself that he also has a large part to play in your relationship and financial difficulties. He also needs to be honest about where he is spending the money and assess if he genuinely needs the purchases or not.
Have you considered separating your money so that it doesn’t affect your credit score? Often combining your money can affect both people in the relationship even if one is good with their money, so if you are thinking about a mortgage for instance then this is something to bear in mind.
Maybe having separate accounts might help you to feel safe in the knowledge that you have something put aside and he won’t be able to access it. If you paid off his last debts, he may have taken it for granted because he didn’t have to make regular repayments. He could expect you to do the same again and rely on you to bail him out every time he is in trouble. Maybe he needs to learn that it’s up to him to undo this, and not someone else.
One of you needs to be able to set a good example for your children where money is concerned or they may end up being like their father. Perhaps you could give some things mentioned above a try and see where it takes you, however if there is no change then maybe separating yourself not only financially but in other ways might enable you to be happy on the inside and on the outside.
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