Emma asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been with my boyfriend over a year now, and we've had ups and downs like any other couple, but my best friend- who happens to be a male.. has suddenly become an issue. He has had a thing for me in the past and has asked me out before when I was once single, and I had to lay down the cards and explained that our friendship is too much to sacrifice, but he seeks any chance to see me, text me, make sure I'm okay, call me, anything he is just a genuine sweetheart to me, but I'm not sure if this is him still liking me or just being a friend.. I mean, I don't want to flatter myself.. I have thought about it in the past whether or not it would be worth giving it ago in the future, but he's such a nice guy that I'm scared if we ever got together I'd either end up hurting someone or breaking his heart.. So I've always avoided it due to him being my best friend. But my boyfriend has decided that my friend is in love with me and doesn't want me to speak to him anymore and I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do.. Friends and family aren't helpful because they just tell me to break up with my current boyfriend for him! And I think that would just cause more mayhem.
Our Reply
Hi Emma,
Having to choose between your partner and your best friend sounds like a very hard decision to have to make. You should not really have to choose- ideally you should be able to have a partner and a best friend in your life without it being an issue.
You have not mentioned in your letter how you feel about your boyfriend, only that you have ‘had your ups and downs’- do you love him? Do you agree with your friends and family about leaving?
Your friend admitted that he had a ‘thing for you’ in the past but not that he was in love with you, so perhaps it’s not got that far yet- without him admitting to this then your boyfriend asking you not to see him is based on his speculation of his feelings not fact. If they are both equally special in your life then you should not have to give up either but perhaps try to find a way to get a balance of your time for each of them.
Have you asked your friend to dial things back? Maybe you could talk to him and tell him that it’s becoming a bit of an issue with you and your partner, so if he could be a little less attentive to you then it might help your relationship.
There is always a risk if you date your best friend but sometimes it can work out for the best. If he treats you better that your boyfriend then it might be a good move for you. If you were to give it a go and it didn’t succeed and you both care enough about the friendship you have together; you should find a way to get back to being just friends.
tagged in Friends Family couple boyfriend yin and yang single best friend agony aunt
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