Jd asks :

Hi Lucy,

My partner will let me touch him when he is awake, likewise when we are having intercourse. However he won’t let me touch him if he is sleeping, he becomes angry and will remove my hand or push me away. It’s got worse recently, and honestly it scares me. He knows it’s a problem but I've been understanding and supportive, I am unsure how I can help?

Hi JD,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

When someone is asleep it's a very vulnerable place to be if they wake up and realise that they are being touched without their consent or knowledge. It is direct result of our evolution when we effectively had to 'sleep with one eye open' in order to detect predators before they attacked.

You might be doing it out of affection but if he is self-conscious about the place you are touching he might feel embarrassed that you have your hands on it.

Have your talked to him about the reasons behind it? Often people have something like a scar or extra fat around a place on their body that makes them self-conscious about that area. Try to be as complimentary about him as you possibly can and make him feel good with his clothes off and on. If his confidence rises around you then he might feel comfortable enough to let you touch him when he is not expecting it.

If it is deep routed habit then it may take some time to get out of. For instance if he stops you from touching a part of his body or guides you away from it when he's awake or when you are having sex- he still will do the same when he is roused becasue it's a learned behaviour.

Perhaps feel around the sensitive area and work your way closer towards it each time- small steps will gradually get him to feel totally open and at ease with you.


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