Sarah asks :
Dear Lucy,
My fiancé never knows how to apologise. Every time I'm upset, instead of making sure I feel okay, he jumps to defend himself and exempting himself from error. Somehow, it ends up with me consoling him instead of the other way around. Everything is perfect when life is good, but once something goes wrong he can't seem to handle it. He either shuts down or flares. What troubles me is that when we argue, he tries to monopolise the pain and make it sound like I'm attacking him, and through his justifications he somehow ends up belittling my feelings or telling me what I feel is not justified. Should I take a firm stand now? Because it seems no matter how much I explain how hurtful his approach is, it doesn't work. What to do?
Hi Sarah,
Agony Aunts on Female First
You mention that you have talked to him about this before. So perhaps it it might be time to explore with him why he feels he can't accept blame with a professional.
Maybe some relationship counselling would help you to have a more productive exchange, which you can then utilise at home. It could be a worthwhile investment before you get married.
It might be something from his past that is affecting his relationship with you. Perhaps he was consistently blamed for things in a previous relationship which makes him sensitive to it now. Maybe he associates blame with his childhood?
Perhaps you can ask him to look a little deeper into this with you so you can get a grasp of why this is his go to defence mechanism.
You are both entitled to your feelings but it can be frustrating when a partner doesn't see things the way you do.
You don't have to agree on everything but rather have an understanding for how each other feels.
If you are able generate a dialogue rather than shouting at each other then you may be able to find some common ground here. There needs to be an acceptance down the line that you may not agree but you can see where each other is coming from and allowing each other the time to express your thoughts.
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