Pauline asks :
Hi Lucy,
Please can you help me as I am a mum of two daughters. One of my daughters of 17 years old has met a boyfriend but has left home to stay with him. His mum and partner have left him the home as they have moved away. My daughter is a happy lady and had lots of friends but now she has lost her friends. As a family we were close and as a mum have tried to talk with her and support her before she left as she kept on telling me she was leaving home as she said she was not getting a life. She used to stay out at weekends and never came home till late; she never cleaned her room or helped in the home. We know that the boyfriend has made her lose her family and friends as I feel that he does not want her to have a social life. I am so hurt as I love my family so much and I can't sleep of thinking the boyfriend will hurt her by abusing her mind and body. We have just found out he has been in a fight and causing a lot of trouble to people and neighbours! Please I need advice as I can't cope without her! Missing her so much!
Our Reply
Hi Pauline,
It is difficult to get the balance here. It sounds like she might be rebelling a little bit my making a stand and moving out. Perhaps against you asking her to do things around the house, or so she has the freedom to do what she wants and not live by someone else’s rules.
She might have seen it as a good idea at the time, but if you are right and her boyfriend has encouraged her not to socialise anymore or see anyone then she will soon realise that she is changing as a person and not being true to herself. It is whether she will have the strength to stand up to him and try not to lose sight of who she is.
Verbal abuse is not to be taken lightly and can have just as much of a long term effect on a person years later as physical abuse does. Do you suspect that she has been physically abused by him already? If so I would suggest that you contact someone at:
Both of these charities specialise in domestic and verbal abuse at any age- so they should be able to advise you appropriately.
Why not suggest that she makes a firm commitment to come over and see you each week? For dinner or a coffee for example- on her own. If she feels that she can still visit and talk to you then she might confide in you if something is happening to her at home or decide to come back to you. In which case you can work together to find a solution. If that means her moving back in or taking action against him then so be it.
The important thing is that she feels she can come to you. By focusing on the act of her moving out- this could push her away further and she could keep things close to her chest.
Telling her not to do something could make her back off- however showing her that perhaps she is making the wrong decisions and letting her make up her own mind is often very effective to help somone through to the other side.
Lucy x
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