Simon asks :
Hi Lucy,
Is a relationship here possible or am I just kidding myself? I'm a 29 year old male and I've been seeing a 43 year old woman, who has 3 kids, for the last few months. We met through a mutual friend, and both have busy work schedules and so don't see each other nearly as often as we'd like, where it's just the two of us. She often tells me how much she cares about me, and how much I mean to her, to the point where I'm pretty sure she almost told me she loved me. I have completely fallen for her too.
The problem is that prior to this 'fling', she had been in a long term relationship, which ended last year, but for both logistical and financial reasons, her ex still lives with her and her kids, but sleeps in a separate room. I should add that her kids are from a relationship previous to her ex. She worries that if she kicks her ex out, the financial hit would be too big for her to take, and she'd have to leave her job, which she loves, as a result. Her ex is still madly in love with her, to the point where she can rarely leave the house without him calling her to find out where she is. It's so bad, that when our 'relationship' first started, there were doubts in my mind that she was even single, as the actions of her ex weren't those of a rational man. At this present moment, I completely believe that she is single. The issue is, in order to keep the peace with her ex, she's not only hidden our 'relationship' from him, but will still go for 'family' meals with him and the kids, and the majority of her friends are unaware that they are even separated. I don't want to outright ask her to kick him out, as I know what that would mean for her job and her kids. But the 'keeping up appearances, happy family' routine is beginning to make things really hard for me. I want to pursue a serious relationship with her, but just know that her current situation won't allow it. How do I go about talking to her about this or am I fighting a losing battle?
Hi Simon,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Perhaps, you need to find out how she feels about you first. That might be the best place to start as you seem to be fixating on the future, without this information. It's one thing that you suspect she loves you but it might make you feel a lot more secure if she were to be more direct.
It might be worth talking to her about this and gauging where she is at before thinking or dealing with the next part.
There are options if they wanted to leave each other such as selling up and living in different houses to name one, which could you give the opportunity to date each other and see how things go. However, when there are children and residual feelings involved, things are not that easy.
It sounds like they are keeping up this pretence for other people such as their children and family rather than for themselves. If he loves her but she doesn't love him, then perhaps living under the same roof is not fair on him as he may be hopeful of future reconciliation.
Whatever happens in that house is out of your hands because the reality is; they have a unit and a family there whose feelings could get seriously hurt if they do decide to go their separate ways. Getting involved in their affairs might only complicate things further.
It might be best to talk about your feelings and if they are positive, take step back and be patient. If you love her and she loves you and there is promise of future then you may need to wait for that. If you talk to her and she can't offer you any guarantees then it might be time to walk away or you could end up falling further for her and feeling worse.
tagged in Relationship
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