Amy asks :
Hi Lucy,
So me my partner broke apart over a year ago. But we still slept together every other week. He recently started messaging me all the time and when he came over I asked what he wanted with us and said that he wanted is to get back together just I need to lose weight first as I was a size 8 at the start of our 4 year relationship had a child and now am a 14. What should I do? I love him. But does he love me for me?
Hi Amy,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Having sex with your ex is dangerous territory, because you still feel like a couple but there is nothing stopping either of you sleeping with other people. This can cause hurt, when it was not an option before. The feeling of betrayal is still there but technically you are both entitled to more freedom.
People should not place conditions like this on love; it's hurtful and shallow. If he loves you, then he should only be preoccupied with your weight if it’s affecting your health and your happiness- thinking from your point of view, not his. If you are well and feel comfortable with your size now then what he says should not make a difference. If you want to drop a few pounds it should be for you when you are ready to, not as an incentive to be in a relationship with him.
It does not sound like he loves you for you- only an idea of you he has in his head- an idealised version of you- but it’s his ideal not yours and you are the most important judge in this situation.
It is good that couples can be honest with one another but there comes a point where it is destructive rather than constructive. And yes, there needs to be an element of attraction in a relationship too- but if he doesn't fancy you right now- there is a possibility that he might not even if you lose the weight. He is basing how he will feel about you by going back to the past. It may have nothing to do with the weight; perhaps you just aren’t compatible anymore and he is using that as an excuse.
Why did you split up in the first place? If it was because of your weight then if you got back together, your weight would be a focal point in your relationship and put a lot of pressure on you to stay looking a certain way and not necessarily for the right reasons.
This could lead to a whole host of problems like eating disorders, low self-esteem, dehydration, crash diets, all of which are not worth risking your health and happiness for.
Getting back with ex can be a risky thing to fall into. If you are not committed to focusing 100% on the thing that broke you up, chances are you will falter in the same areas again.
Perhaps you just need to find someone who loves you, whatever size you are and cares more what makes you happy rather than them.
tagged in Love Partner Relationship yin and yang agony aunt
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