Sam asks :
Hi Lucy,
Ok, so I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for the last seven years, we live together and have a few pets. Now I graduated from university last November in Bsc Hons Sports Development & Coaching, I intend to be a Team GB ski and snowboard coach, as well as my degree I've spent a lot of time and money to become a fully qualified BASI Alpine Instructor. My issue is that my jobs are taking me all over the world, I've just spent 6 weeks in the French alps and on the day of my return my partner turned round and said if I continue to travel for work it’s over. I understand having a traveling partner is never going to be easy, however I've been offered a position in New York City coaching professional football (soccer) starting in August, my partner knows about this already and a few months ago she was all for me taking it, however this has since changed. She refuses to compromise in any way, shape or form, her dreams are; house, marriage, kids and that's it. My argument is that we can for fill her dreams anywhere in the world but obviously mine aren't ever going to happen in the UK. She refuses to leave the local area we live in never mind move for my work. I understand leaving family can be hard and she'll have to get a new job but her job can also be done anywhere in the world (area manager jewellery company). So my question is, do I leave for NYC to work my dream job, putting me one step closer to my end goal, or do I drop it all to stay and work a job I hate to be with the person I love? A life of oh wells, or what ifs?
Our Reply
Hi Sam,
It is undoubtedly a very difficult position that you are in right now. It is a big thing to ask of your girlfriend- to potentially move away from her friends and family- if the tables were turned could you say with absolute certainty that you would you do the same?
She may have just put the stoppers on this because she is scared of the potential of moving away from everyone she knows and from a job she sounds settled in. Or she might be simply scared of losing you again.
She might have been encouraging until she realised how difficult things were when you were away last for the six week period. Long distance relationships are never easy, but people find ways of making them work all the time. You should not have to choose between your career and your relationship- you can do both.
If she realises how much this means to you then she should support you- but you will need to make sure, for instance, that if you schedule calls to each other that you don’t cancel. These small snippets of time video chatting, skyping or phoning are the things that keep a long distance relationship alive. Forgetting these can make your love life crumble.
This is a big thing to compromise over there is no question- but ask yourself this-is this becoming a pattern in your relationship? Have you made other sacrifices for her on a smaller scale? If so then it might be time to do something for yourself.
It will be incredibly hard, but if you love each other enough you can have your dreams and your dream girl. Perhaps just try to emphasize that it’s not a reflection of the state of your relationship- you are not going to get away from her. She has to stay and do her thing and it seems that you need to do the same. It sounds like small sacrifice in the short term and afterwards you can have your whole lives together.
tagged in Lucy Walton Relationship yin and yang agony aunt
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