Rachael asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have recently broke up with my partner, we had been together for 8 years, apart from a split of a few months. We had split up a few years back and no longer lived together but then got back together but lived separately. The first time we split was because one of my children and him didn't get on. When I thought he may have started a new relationship I realised I couldn't live without him, it made me feel sick to think of him with someone else. We have been through a lot together and I have ended things because he is very negative and depressed and won't help himself. I tried to support him but there was no getting through to him and I can't cope with him that way, I have a long term illness and it really brings me down. I thought I had done the right thing, but now it seems like he may be sorting himself out and says he realises it was his fault we split up. I don't want to think of him moving on, but I can't keep going over the same thing again. Do I just let it go as I thought it was for the best? But it makes me really sad that we couldn't work things out, I just couldn't cope with things how they were and stress makes my illness worse.
Our Reply
Hi Rachael,
After every break up both people, even if they were not good together find it hard to think about their ex with someone else. It still feels wrong, almost like a betrayal, because you are so used to being as one. It could be that you are feeling a bit of that and confusing it with what you actually need or want.
If one of the main reasons that your relationship broke down was because of his negativity, then perhaps things could be better now he has got help. However depression is something that can come in waves, so he may seem ok now , but if you did get back together then be prepared for some setbacks and existing negativity. Are you willing to be there for him when he finds himself displaying the same behaviours as before even if they are less frequent? If he has helped himself then that is a positive step, as you comment that was the cause of some of your frustrations with him.
You have already experienced two break ups and got back together, which could indicate that you are ok when the goings good but can’t cope when things get difficult. That is not to say that you are not both trying but it may be that dealing with two negative states of mind is too hard to gel together and make a relationship out of.
Perhaps you could stay as friends until you are sure that he has changed and then possibly think about something more later down the line? Remember that you have only seen a snapshot and he might just be showing you him on a better day. It can only hurt you both to keep going back and forth so you need to be absolutely sure that putting yourself back in that place is what you really want.
tagged in children Partner Relationship yin and yang agony aunt
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