Deb asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have been having an affair with a married man for 4 months now. He does not have any children he has been married for 18 years. I am now single after a recent divorce. The problem is I only see him on average once a week. He tells me he loves me and we will be together but I must be patient. He tells me it will be a couple of years for us to be together properly. He is being realistic I suppose. He could have said 6 months then strung me on further. He says they get on. I can only describe it like sister and brother. He says they have separate bedroom and they even have their own lounges. There is nothing else in the relationship. Am I just too impatient or am I a fool? I have confronted him and he assures me it will happen. Please help.
Hi Deb,
Agony Aunts on Female First
If he truly loves you, then why does he need to wait for two years? Why this specific amount of time? Has he thought through the intricacies of leaving his wife? There is undoubtedly a lot involved in leaving a marriage, but if they live separate lives now, then it might be worth asking him what's preventing him from leaving sooner? If he still has some residual feelings for her or part of him wants to work on his marriage then you need to know so you can move on if necessary.
If they have a brotherly and sisterly relationship and sleep in different bedrooms, it sounds like there has been a distance between them for some time. Perhaps he is hanging on because their situation is comfortable and familiar. He may not be in love with her, however at the same time he may not want to hurt her after 18 years.
That said you have only been having an affair for four months, and giving up a marriage after so little time is a big ask of anyone. He could be swept up in the excitement and newness of your affair, which is making him say the things you want to hear or he could be delaying while he decides how to break it to his wife.
If you are willing to wait for him and put your romantic life on hold for the possibility of this relationship, then that is your decision. For your own peace of mind you might need to know why the timescale is so broad and if indeed he means what he says or if he is still in the honeymoon period of your courtship.
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