Vix asks :
Hi there Lucy!
So, I've been talking to this guy online for almost a couple of months and he first asked me out about a month ago but then cancelled because he realised he had plans that evening. We exchanged numbers after this and he called to ask me out the following week but then cancelled by text on the morning of the date because he was ill. I though OK, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I got in touch with him by text a few days later and we had a quick text chat where he mentioned he was really busy that week so I decided to leave it and then just text in a friendly way about a week later. He asked me out again and called a couple of days after to arrange things properly etc. On the day he called two hours before to say he was behind at work and wouldn't be finished for the time we'd planned to meet. He was apologetic and said he felt guilty. I asked him if he'd be free any later and he said he wasn't sure and he'd call. I was out and about anyway doing chores so I didn't really mind meeting later. A couple of hours after I was pretty wound up with nervous energy and decided to give him a call and hopefully get him to agree to meet later. I'm not normally forward or pushy so this cost me a lot of effort and I kind of wish I hadn't done it now. He said he thought he'd be done about an hour and a half later and would give me a call and apologised again. Two hours passed and he didn't call so I just sent a quick text saying I was still around if he wanted to meet but otherwise I'd head home. He replied to say he'd finished but had a head ache so was going straight home and said sorry again… I didn't reply because I was worried my earlier call was too pushy and I haven't heard from him since (this was 2 days ago). I don't really understand the situation, since we have never met and I just don't get why you would keep asking somebody out and then cancel on them? Surely he would just not ask me out or ignore me or tell me straight if he wasn't interested? He did vaguely mention that he'd had some sort of bad online dating experience in the past so I don't know if maybe that is making him flake? I also don't know if I should get in touch with him again? It's pretty frustrating. I haven't dated anybody in a long time due to hectic work life and bad past experiences myself and thought this guy seemed really nice (or as nice as you can seem over the internet) and that we'd probably hit it off in person. I'm in my late 20's and he's just a few years older.
Our Reply
Hi Vix,
It may be that he is not who he says he is, a few years older for example. The trouble with dating websites is sometimes you don’t know who you are talking too. Those who are afraid to meet up often either have self-esteem issues or are not exactly as they have portrayed themselves to you on dating websites. It sounds like he is worried about meeting you in person for some reason, what that is, you might never know if he keeps cancelling on you.
If you of decide to meet and he agrees and doesn't cancel, I would suggest meeting somewhere public, for the first few times at least until you feel comfortable enough in his company to be by yourself.
That said, illness and working late are valid excuses however they are also the classic excuses many people use if they are wanting to get your of something. This is effectively the third time he has cancelled on you now. If the constant cancellations are making you wound up and nervous then perhaps this is sign to move on and find someone who is willing to meet up with you.
By making arrangements he is keeping you hanging so you don’t move on but if he has no intentions of ever meeting up with you then he is wasting his time and yours.
It could be a coincidence that things keep cropping up in place of your dates, but it’s all a little too convenient, so maybe it time to look elsewhere.
Lucy x
tagged in couple Lucy Walton yin and yang agony aunt
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