Abby asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have been married for almost two years and not long after being married my husband started experiencing severe back pain which is still ongoing despite him seeing numerous specialists and taking daily medication. I really wish for him to be better and will do anything in my power to make it so. There is however one very large issue that this is creating between us and that is a lack of a sex life. Since this started, sex has been very rare. We have a very honest relationship and have spoken about this and he assures me that it is not that he does not wish to have sex with me but that it is the days of additional agony that he suffers that means we very rarely have sex anymore. He seems resigned to the fact that he is not going to get any better but I refuse to believe this to be the case. My problem is how can I explain to him without upsetting him that we need to resolve this and that we cannot continue like this (we're only just in our 30s). I know that sex is not the main focus of a relationship or a marriage but I am finding this really hard. Thank you.
Our Reply
Hi Abby,
You are absolutely right- sex is not the main focus of a marriage, but it sets it apart from being a friendship and brings intimacy into your relationship.
Have you considered looking into alternative care? I know you have said that you have looked into different specialists, are there any others that you could explore? Or could his medication be changed or progressed to a higher dose? Have you asked the doctor if there is anything that can be done before or after having sex to help alleviate the pain? It might be worth exploring this a little further to see if you have any other options in terms of his treatment. If he is resigned to not getting better then he has no motivation to. It is just as much about the psychological aspect as it is the physical one. Your determination to not accept this way of thinking is a good attitude to counteract his, which will hopefully help bring him out of this negative mind-set.
It sounds like you have spoken about why the sex is not happening but perhaps not how it’s affecting you. Why not suggest that you do other things to keep the sexual element of your relationship going? The sex might be too much of a strain on his back but some gentle foreplay and oral sex might help you to feel close to him again. Have you tried different positions? If he is on top and the thrust of him entering you or the arch of his back is becoming a problem, perhaps you could go on top, so his back is straight and supported? Or is he more comfortable on a chair? These potions are all about your being in control of depth and speed, but help support his body and offer little movement for him- he just gets to watch and enjoy.
There are still lots of options for you here, so try not to give up; if you love each other, then you can always find a way.
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