Jo asks :
Hi Lucy,
I'd really appreciate your advice. I've started dating a wonderful man he's lovely in every sense. The problem is me. Once I start dating someone I become very insecure and play mind games. I've no idea why. When I'm single I'm happy and confident as soon as I start dating it's like I have a personality transplant I feel depressed, tearful, jealous and filled with insecurity. I don't feel I lack self-esteem and I'm happy with my appearance. I'd love my relationship to be normal. But I seem to hell bent on sabotaging it at the moment I'm giving him the cold shoulder just because I can I seem to enjoy trying to push him to the limit for no reason. Please help. Many thanks
Hi Jo,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Being single for some, can be a much more secure place- you have complete control over your world and deep seated habits. When in a relationship people can feel a little scared about being vulnerable with someone else other than themselves. A defence mechanism for those who are not ready to be fragile is to push their partner away. This could be what you are doing right now. Some believe that it’s much easier to give someone the cold shoulder than to show them their true colours.
The most important thing is that you have identified what happens to you in relationships. Now it might be time to try and address it. Try to take a step back and before you go head first into your recognised ways. Perhaps think about it first and try to look at things more rationally. Sometimes on quiet reflection what you were going to say or do can be adjusted with a little respective.
It could be that you have just not met the right guy yet and you have low tolerance for someone when you know deep down that they are not right for you. So rather than dumping them maybe you try to drive them away instead.
If he is ‘lovely’ and ‘wonderful’ then it might be worth giving him a chance. Perhaps be honest with him about your ways and ask him to take things slow. I am guessing that you might have pushed a few men away in the past because of this so perhaps you have not given yourself the chance to have a deep and meaningful relationship- but maybe the only way you will learn is to let down your guard a little first.
Lucy has worked as a volunteer for Mind and The Samaritans and was a mentor at the University of Central Lancashire in her third year. She has just completed her Level 2 Counselling Concepts Course at Warrington Collegiate.
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