Emma asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have lived with my University housemates (8 other girls) for almost two years now. I have never felt that I have fully fitted in, as they all get on extremely well, but I try my best to involve myself by cooking tea at the same time as them etc. and if anyone asks for help or advice, offer some or just lend an ear if they need to talk. This year, I thought I was fitting in more; they were inviting me to go for coffee and to the cinema etc. and look disappointed if I say I can’t make it. but last night (they thought I had gone to bed) I overheard a few of them in the bedroom next to mine talking about how annoying I am, how I am always trying to involve myself and that everywhere they look I'm there. I spend the majority of my time in my bedroom with the door shut. I am really struggling, I have mixed messages being sent and I don’t know whether to get involved or just shut myself away. I thought I had a nice group of friends but I feel so pushed out :(
Hi Emma,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It goes without saying that University is one of the most difficult times in your life and your experience is one of the main reasons why. Being thrust together with strangers can be hard to navigate at times. But what this situation also does for you, is enable you too really find out who your friends are and who are simply acquaintances.
If you feel that you have to make huge effort with these girls, with no return, then they may not be the friends for you. Friendship should be easy most of the time and just happen rather than having to think so much about it. If you have tried your best to integrate yourself with them and they are not grateful for your actions, then perhaps it’s time to find new friends and accept that these are people you simply live with and are civil to when you need to be. You could confront them, however they might not own up to what they said and then the gossip could be never-ending. Or you could find that they respect you more for telling them that you don’t appreciate being talked about behind your back. If you ask them for their honesty then you all know where you stand and you can move on informed and clear.
Perhaps try and befriend some people off your course or join a society or group and bond with people who have the same interests as you. That way you can allow yourself some space from your housemates as it sounds like they are outnumbering you somewhat right now.
If they are the type of women who are nice to your face and then criticise you behind your back then they are not the type of people you need in your life. They might have known that you were awake and hoped you would hear what they said so none of them have to talk to you face to face about this issue.
It might help you to look for somewhere new to live next year to get a fresh start. Maybe if you make the effort while you still have the time this upcoming semester, you might find some people you click with better and could potentially live with in your final year.
Girls can be very powerful when there are in big numbers and they have a person in common to say negative things about, but remember that it says more about them that it does you. While they are criticising you for the way you act- they don’t have to focus on themselves or let others do the same- it’s a diversion tactic, so try not to take it to heart.
tagged in University yin and yang agony aunt
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