Cassandra asks :
Hi Lucy
My boyfriend calls and texts me so much during the day. He calls at least 5 times, every day, and texts at least 40 times and most of the time much more than that. He wants to talk to me every night and he doesn’t want me to do anything else whilst talking to him, be it on the phone or texting or on Facebook. If he had his way he would see me every night too. We actually split up and have got back together and I told him this was one of the problems, he says I do it too one minute and the next says he feels like he is the only one making an effort as I never text him first. I would like just some time to be me and not just his girlfriend. Also how can I text him first when he is constantly texting me? I love him, but I am feeling really trapped. Is he over reacting, is he texting me too much, is it me that has the problem as I should want to spend lots of time with him? I am all confused and don’t know how to make it clear to him that as much as I am into him, I need some space. He is 40 and I am 43, so surely by now this should be easier.
Hi Cassandra,
Agony Aunts on Female First
This does sound overbearing, especially if you have not agreed to contact each other in such vast quantities beforehand. Every relationship needs individual space or you end up feeling the way you are now. Couples function best when they have a good balance between time with each other, time on their own and time with other people. Very few couples can survive only in each other’s company.
It sounds like he may have some insecurities from the past that are affecting his relationship with you- have you talked to him about the possibility of this? Perhaps you could suggest that you work together on this issue or that he might see someone to tackle the heart of the problem. He may think that he wants to see you all the time but he may be doing it to prevent the possibility of losing your attention or shifting your focus onto someone else, which could make him feel insecure about your pairing if he has been hurt in the past.
You have broken up because of this before and he has not improved, so perhaps the threat of losing you was not enough to make him change. Perhaps you need to ask yourself- do you love him enough to see this through and help him to deal with this issue or do you think he will never change? Can you stay with him as you are or is it just too much to take?
If you are texting and phoning every day, then chances are you have nothing left to talk about when you do see each other, could you suggest that you limit it to one call every couple of days so your conversation will be fresh?
If he is in his forties, chances are this habit is well established, so it may take some time to undo. Maybe setting him targets of how many times he can contact you in a day or alternating the day when you initiate contact might help to give him a routine and the communication will flow both ways.
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