Sue asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have an adult daughter (21) with two children of her own now who was very difficult growing up (drinking at 13 staying out all night at one stage she was even reported missing to the police). I thought when she had her first child she seemed to mature over-night. There has been one thing after another with bad relationships, arguments etc. I have often had to leave the house in the middle of the night to go and comfort her. She can be cruel, for example, one Christmas I was unwell and was unable to babysit (it turned out later I had pneumonia). I was "disowned" by her because "I've never been there for her" and this continues to be the way she goes on. If I "upset her" I'm told never to come near her or my grandchildren. And I am ‘exaggerating about her being difficult as she was growing up’. I am now in the "disowned" bracket again but to be brutally honest I have had enough. I have 4 other children and I have many growing health problems and my oldest girl has major health problems. I am just not able to deal with the drama any more. Even though I would have usually at this stage called to her to try and make things alright (sometimes having the door slammed in my face) this time I don't want to go near her. It means, however, that I will miss out on my grandkids. I am worn out physically and mentally and have asked her to see a counsellor but she says the fault lies with me. What do I do?
Hi Sue,
Agony Aunts on Female First
This sounds like an awful position to be in with your daughter. When you want to help her and when you do it seems sometimes the help is not appreciated.
It sounds like she is perhaps unhappy with her life and trying to shift the blame elsewhere rather than trying to help herself by seeing a professional. If she refuses to see a counsellor and tries to shift the fault to you, then maybe she is avoiding her own mistakes. One day, perhaps, she might realise that she is not totally blameless and reach out for help then, however it may take time. Have you asked her what she blames you for? If you do then perhaps you might find things to apologise for that you hadn’t even realised had upset her and build bridges that way.
Relationships break down because of two people not just one so it appears that she needs to start admitting to things that she is not proud of too.
Perhaps give her some space to realise how much you are an integral part of her life. If you are always doing the chasing then perhaps let her come to you when she is ready, if you feel that you have exhausted every other avenue with her.
If you have other daughters, who appreciate and could benefit from your help then maybe it’s time to devote some of your attention to them. You might find that she realises what she is missing and make the effort to make amends with you.
If you are suffering yourself from health complaints then it sounds like it's time to look after your own wellbeing too. If you have offered your help in the past then she must know that if she really needs you, you will be there. Right now, however, perhaps you just need to take a backseat from her life and focus more on distributing yourself fairly among your other children and yourself.
tagged in relationships daughter yin and yang agony aunt
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