Josh asks :

Hi Lucy,

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for a long time now. I really love her and would do anything for her. Unfortunately our sex life is awful although she doesn’t think so. We have sex 2 or 3 times a month. Sometimes. When we do she isn’t interested in my sexual needs. Once she reaches orgasm a few times, in positions that don’t do anything for me usually, she guides me out and either snuggles up, eyes closed waiting for me to finish myself. Or becomes bored and starts poking prodding, playing with my cheeks like I’m some sort of child and still gets frustrated that I’m "taking so long". She does this sort of thing outside the bedroom too. Though it’s more endearing then. She has never expressed any dissatisfaction with my performance. I have tried on a number of occasions to as things such as, "what turns you on", or "Are you not interested in me getting off" etc. but she usually shrugs off the questions. I don’t feel like she will talk to me like an adult. I'm feeling very depressed about the whole thing. I'm only 24 and I feel like were 50. Please help. Josh

Hi Josh,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

This sounds very frustrating when you say you love her and want to show her physically how you feel, but she is reluctant to get involved.

Perhaps she has low self-esteem and sex is something she is still not comfortable with. Women place a lot of importance on how they feel about their bodies and if she is not happy with hers then she might want the sex to be over quickly so she can be in her comfort zone again. If she does struggle with her opinion of herself then perhaps some words of assurance when you do have sex or just before might help her to feel loved and desired.

Have you considered relationship counselling? If you love her then perhaps this is something you can overcome rather than leaving her. If you can both be open an honest about your sex life then this might be a good place to start. If she thinks everything is fine then she might continue to do everything the same- if she knew how it was affecting you then she might make more of an effort to change. Similarly, there might be something going on with her that you are not aware of that is reducing her libido. Communication is key when it comes to healthy sex life to make the most of the physical bond you have so perhaps begin there.  


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