Cara asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have been in a relationship with a beautiful man for nearly 10 years, he is kind, considerate, loving everything I need in a man but he is very selfish in the bedroom. He doesn't satisfy me and I'm so frustrated I don't know what to do. He knows he doesn't satisfy me and he makes no effort in trying but I don't want to lose him as he makes me happy in every other way and I don't want to cheat on him.
Hi Cara,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Telling a man that he is not good enough in bed is one of the most painful things for them to hear. Men hold a lot of their self-esteem in their bedroom prowess, so he might pretend not to care but is really hurting inside and is ashamed to talk about it with you further.
Have you told him what you want in the bedroom? If you simply say the he doesn't do it for you without being specific then this could dent his confidence even further because he has no way of knowing what it is that he is lacking in.
Perhaps identify if it’s his oral technique, his rhythm or his position choice- whatever it is that you feel is not helping you get off and tell him when it’s good. If it's not- it might not help to say ‘that’s not working’- but try and be a bit more diplomatic and say things like ‘harder’ or ‘slower’ for instance so he gets there without a negative comment or noise.
Or if you find dirty talk makes you uneasy, simply guide him to where you want him to go. Men respond well to praise so when he is doing something that is working make a big fuss over it. It’s positive reinforcement at the end of the day- if he hears you enjoying yourself chances are he will keep doing it.
If this does work, have you told him that you have thought about losing him or cheating? Perhaps he has not taken it seriously enough he you approached the subject last time. If you tell him what has been going through your head it might make him sit up and think that action is needed.
If you have already addressed this problem with him by doing the things mentioned above and he has not decided to make the effort to play his part, then you really need to ask yourself if sex or the life with him is more important? It might be that he is a selfish lover and is not willing to satisfy your needs. If this is the case then perhaps you need to figure out what means more to you. If you were to stay with him are you happy to rely on just getting yourself off all the time?
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