Bjorn. asks :
Hi there Lucy,
I've never done this before, so it's a little embarrassing... My wife and I have been married since March 2009, and we both used to put a ton of effort into our appearance, for a night out or a meal, but in the last few months, this seems to be totally one-sided. I am finding, that I am still making a load of effort, from ironing a shirt, to wearing a tie and smart jacket, just to go out for food and to see a movie, but she is constantly just ditching any effort at the last minute, putting on some jeans and a t-shirt and throwing her hair up in a bobble. She used to do the same; with lovely dresses and a pair of heels. Never mind the hour she used to spend on doing her hair! This also spills over into our love life, though I'm not writing to gripe about that aspect, as I know, that she isn't attracted to a "fat ex-squaddie, who's got no time to stay in shape." We have both put on some weight in recent years, but she still looks great. I also suffer from depression, after leaving the army. She works for a tele-services provider and I am now a full-time father to our three children. Why has she stopped putting in the smallest effort, and what can I do to change things, for the better?
Hi Bjorn,
Agony Aunts on Female First
There is no need to be embarrassed at all- thanks for writing in.
It is almost expected that when people get into a relationship, they pay less attention to their appearance. People feel that they don't need to try as hard now they have someone and are no longer looking for a partner. More so when kids come along as parents give their all to them and soon forget about themselves.
You might have to handle this very delicately, as she may interpret it as you not being attracted to her anymore. You say that she still looks great, so it sounds lie you are still attracted to her even if she has gained a few pounds. Perhaps tell her this as often as you can so she still knows you like how she looks physically.
It can feel unfair if you are the one who is making all the effort. Perhaps she is strapped for time if she is spending the hour or so she would have getting ready with the kids when she gets home? Could you suggest looking after them while she takes her time to get ready?
Have you talked to her about how much you liked it when you both got dressed up? Perhaps you could discuss how it felt to make an event out of your date nights rather than preparation being an afterthought? If you are missing how much you both used to make of your alone time, chances are she is too, so reminiscing about the good times might just spur her on.
If she is working harder lately then maybe she is tired and this is causing her to care less about getting dressed up. Could you save your date nights for weekends when you have some more time, rather than after work? This might give her some flexibility when it comes to getting ready- after a rest too.
It is important that you both make the time for each other and get the most out of it that you can. Date nights are precious in every relationship but more-so when you have children. Maybe if you are able to persuade her just once to make a big effort, it will give her the confidence boost and the nostalgia to do it more often.
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