Kelly asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have been with my partner for 17 years 10 of them married. I thought we had a real good strong marriage until I recently discovered he has set up profiles on various dating sites. Obviously I confronted him about this. He reassured it was a moment of madness and he had never messaged anyone on them. However talking with him some more he dropped the bomb shell saying he was a virgin until he and I had sex, he says he feels like he may have missed out on something. So I offered him a free sex pass to go off with one woman and see what it was like. He declined my offer saying he only wants me and was just curious to what it was like with another. He reassured me that from now he would tell me everything. However I can't quite believe he could keep that from me for these years. I worry about what happens if he decides he does want to have sex with another woman. Please help.
Hi Kelly,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Curiosity can drive us to do some out of the ordinary things; however it is normal- it's what you do about it that matters. It does sound like he was using the sites to look at pictures more than to find someone else. Sometimes looking can be enough for some men.
If you have given him the opportunity to pursue this curiosity and he has declined then perhaps he never meant to act on it- simply to observe other women and the lives of other singles.
I would suggest some couples counselling, to explore what this feeling of 'missing out' means for your relationship. And how this revelation has affected how secure you feel in your marriage.
Perhaps his investigations on dating websites are a sign that your relationship needs work and you both need to concentrate on trying new things and making more time for each other. Couples can fall into the trap of predictability when they have been together for so long. Perhaps what he craves is the passion of early dating again, but sought it out elsewhere rather than talking to you about it. If you can find a way to talk about what it is your intimate life needs to bring you back together then you might find that things improve and he doesn't feel the need to look elsewhere.
It sounds like because he kept the fact that he was a virgin a secret from you, that there may be two betrayals here from your point of view. You are not only dealing with the discovery of his internet habits but also that he hasn't felt comfortable sharing that piece of information with you all these years.
It seems now he has told you everything that you need to work hard to regain the trust in your relationship and encourage more honesty. An impartial person, such as a relationship counsellor might be able to help you with this, if you feel that you are struggling to cope by yourselves.
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