Rebecca asks :
Hi Lucy,
Me and my boyfriend haven't much sex since Christmas, and when we have been having sex, it has been a bit dull for me with not much foreplay. I'm always up for it but it's him that doesn't want it. My partner did lose his job in January but got a new job shortly after, could the reason be me? I have tried talking to him about it but he always gets really defensive and we end up arguing.
Hi Rebecca,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Losing a job can take its toll on mood and libido- the stress of not knowing if you will find another and if you will make ends meet can mean sex is the last thing on your mind. Perhaps he is still getting over the worry of not being able to chip in financially and it has made him concerned about the longevity of his new job.
Perhaps the way you are talking to him is not the most effective. If you focus on the negative of not having any sex then he might feel like he’s not fulfilling his role in the relationship, which could further drive his confidence down.
Perhaps talk about the things you enjoyed doing with him in the bedroom- if nothing else it can function as a bit of dirty talk and he might respond more positively towards that. Could you try something new? Dressing up, role play, sex toys? Maybe an injection of a new side to your physical relationship could help.
If the foreplay is not all you want it to be then whatever he does that you like- make a big deal of- make reassuring noises and ask him not to stop of it feels good. Men like to know that they are hitting the spot- so perhaps be more vocal in your sex sessions. Also if you want him to do something to you- then ask. It's much easier to do this while in the throes of passion rather than before or after as it can feel too formal- if you are in the heat of the moment together he might be more easily persuaded to try new things. This might be better than not giving him any guidance and feeling like you are unsatisfied afterwards.
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