Louise asks :
Hi Lucy,
I am in my early 40's and have been living at my current address for the last 10 years. My boyfriend has been living with me for the last 2 years. I got acquainted with my neighbour over the road who lives on her own when I first moved in - she is now in her early 70's, but is still quite active. She does have family but they live about a couple of hours drive away. She does not drive and they only come up to visit occasionally. I suppose I felt a bit sorry for her in the beginning, as she is on her own most of the time, so I started taking her out to the shops, for trips out etc., when I could, which was when I was also on my own. I don't want to sound bad but over the past year she has become increasingly reliant on me and any spare time that I have, she expects me to spend it with her, whether it be driving her to the shops or with something at home. She was quite an independent lady when I first met her, but I am now getting text messages nearly every day where she wants me to help her with something and there is only so much I can do. If I am unable to help, she gets funny with me and, with me being a bit soft, I end up apologising and then we are back to square one again. There is another lady who she goes to see once a week in the same village, who is in her 60's, but other than that she doesn't really socialise much. It goes without saying that I would be there for her should there be an emergency, and I will take her to the shops now and again, however it seems like she has come to expect this as a regular weekly arrangement, and should I not be available at the drop of a hat, then I get messages that make me feel bad as apparently everything has gone wrong because I am not around?! It's got so bad that sometimes I dread going home! Am I wrong to feel like this? Please help!
Hi Louise,
Agony Aunts on Female First
This sounds like a very awkward position to be in- especially if it’s got to the point where you don’t want to go home.
As harsh as it might sound, the reality is she is not your family to take care of and you do have a life to lead and responsibilities like your relationship and work; sometimes you have to put your needs first. If she is becoming increasingly dependent then perhaps she needs some professional care to help her with her shopping or getting around- such as getting it delivered to her house. Could you suggest this to her? Maybe she could get the bus when she wants a trip out or see her friend more. Could you talk to her friend and ask her to make the effort to see more of her if you feel she is lonely? Could you talk to her and gently remind her that you need some space? It might be hard if you tend to give in to her demands, however if you remain silent then things might not change.
It is understandable that she might be lonely and crave some company, so perhaps you have filled the void that her family have left when they are not around. If she sends you a message making you feel bad then perhaps try to stop yourself apologising if you can’t do something for her and try to think of another solution that doesn’t involve you having to do everything yourself. You might need to start and break the habits you have formed with her so she can gradually realise that it’s not to be expected at a set day and time. Older people are reliant on routine and if that is broken then it might make her see that her demands on you are a little unreasonable. There are many services aimed to help out older people if they are struggling with everyday tasks so perhaps if she knew about some of them she would bother you less.
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