Broken-hearted asks :
Hi Lucy,
I had a baby 8 months ago, and my partner just isn’t helping. When he was a new born it was me that did all the night feeds woke up with him, bath him, feed him, I did everything. There was an odd time my partner would help, he is forever telling me that he doesn’t have a bond with our son but when I try and give them just father and son time he says I am palming my son of on him. He can be quite mean to me, and call me a rubbish mom all the time, when I ask for help he also says and ‘imagine if you were a single mom? You need me!’, I don’t know what to do :(
Hi Broken-hearted,
Agony Aunts on Female First
This sounds like an awful situation to be faced with while you are adjusting to being a new mum.
If your attempts to encourage them to have some father-son time are not working then perhaps it’s because you are not voicing the purpose of the union. Maybe if you told him that the reason you are asking him to watch your baby is to strengthen the bond between them then he might realise what you are trying to gain from doing it, rather than assuming you are 'palming him off'.
If he tells you are a ‘rubbish mom’ then perhaps defend yourself and tell him how that makes you feel. If you don’t say anything back to him then he might assume that he can get away with that kind of negative comment all the time. This might dent your confidence as a mother and affect how you are with your son if this is not addressed.
He sounds like he is reliant on the possibility that you might struggle if you were to be on your own with the baby. If you are finding it a struggle on your own do you have someone else that could help out if he is not willing to? A friend or family member who could give you a rest?
Maybe this time apart might help him realise what he is missing and make more of an effort with you both.
It is a time of adjustment for both of you, so maybe if you talk to him first and see if you can come up with some solutions in sharing the responsibility of caring for your child. He might be overwhelmed at being a new Dad and is expressing it in ways you don’t understand so maybe some better communication could help you to both to work better as a mother and father team.
tagged in Partner Baby yin and yang agony aunt son
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