Lloyd asks :
Hi Lucy, I have been in a relationship with a lovely lady now for 18 months. I am male, in my 50s. I am a loving and supportive man (and romantic) I am fortunate in that I can move on from life’s bad bits, but I feel she struggles with this. She has had 2 major relationships and when she does talk about them she gives the impression that there was no real closeness in them. The last one was very traumatic with her partner suffering severe depression and in the end he passed away. I get glimpses of the inner woman but am often left feeling closed out. She finds it hard to talk about this but always tells me she loves me on the rare occasions that we discuss things. She asks me to give her time. I love her deeply and want her in my life. Are her actions a kind of emotional detachment based on past trauma? We share many things, from crosswords to nice meals etc. I know there are never any guarantees but I feel I must keep trying to be patient if I am to one day truly share her heart too. Thanks for any feedback. Lloyd
Hi Lloyd,
Agony Aunts on Female First
If every other part of your relationship is going well, then perhaps like you say you just need to be more patient. If you rush her then you may push her away rather than bring her closer to you.
If you have been dating for 18 months then maybe you could suggest some counselling if you feel in a position to do so? If she won't talk to you in any great detail then perhaps she might with a professional. If she learns how to talk about what happened with someone else, then that may filter down to you too.
It sounds difficult if you are a person who talks openly about all of his highs and lows, when it sounds like she is the opposite. Your influence might be good for her to unleash memories and feelings that have perhaps been trapped for a long time and weighing her down. That said- she may just be someone who doesn't feel the need to talk about the past and is happy to move forward without it. She may be no worse off for not having revealed anything about her past than she would if she were to do so. Some people thrive on deconstructing things that have passed in order to think about their future, others are happy to put them to bed leave them there.
If you believe that you won't be able to cope if she were to remain so shut off from you then perhaps tell hew how this feels and how much it means to you to be able to move forward as a couple. If she is not prepared to ever talk about her previous two relationships, then do you love her enough to stay? If you care about her as much as you say you do then maybe you will need to accept that she only wants to talk about the present and future with you not about her past loves.
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