Whether I’m doing therapy with The Bachelor or a Real Housewife on TV or working with the girl next door, I’ve found the rules of love are universal. Learn and apply these 5 rules of love, and it will become easier to find and keep love.
Your Subconscious Brain Can Change Your Life
Finish most your unfinished business on your own.
Come to a relationship as a fully formed individual. Don’t expect a partner to “complete” you—as if you’re half of a person. Therapy, friendship, or meditation can help you resolve most of your unfinished business and make you feel whole. Then, you’ll be a whole person looking to form a healthy union with another. If there’s any leftover unfinished business or childhood wounds that need healing, you’ll be able to complete it with your partner.
But first, self-love.
One way to make this process easier is to start with self-love. When you have compassion for yourself, it’s easier to find understanding for your partner. I remember sitting with one of The Real Housewives overlooking the Pacific Ocean as we discussed her marriage. I used hypnosis and visualization to take a deep dive into her mind. This Real Housewife saw how she could be love her inner child—who had a rough life. By loving and being compassionate to her inner child, it became easier for her adult self be kinder and loving to her husband.
You may not get exactly what you think you want—but most of the time, it’s better to get what you need.
If you have a list of all the things you want in a partner, consider it a jumping off point to start negotiations. Oftentimes, that perfect “good on paper” partner does little for your heart. Stay open to the person who shows up—even if he or she isn’t doesn’t have every single trait on that “good on paper” list.
Prioritize being happy over being right.
If you’re in a relationship, you’re going to need to ask yourself this question: Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Choose the latter. Take off your inner judge cap and put on your lover’s cap. Don’t keep a running tit for tat, because it leads to resentment-- a relationship killer. If you have a relationship based on deep trust and understanding, it will be easier for the minutia to float away.
Look thru their lens—not yours.
Use your mind’s eye to imagine you have a pair of magical glasses. These glasses have been formed by everything your partner has been thru—how he or she grew up, the struggles he or she had to endure, and his or her personality. When you put these magical glasses, you can see how or why your partner feels a particular way. Be sure to wear those glasses when you’re facing tough time. It will help your partner to “feel felt” which tends to dissolve conflict—and deepen your relationship.
by Dr. Mike Dow, New York Times bestselling author of Your Subconscious Brain Can Change Your Life, America’s Go-to Therapist