I Grew Up in A Normal Place - Everyone was happy all the time, and if they weren’t there would be consequences. If anyone ever vanished there was always a totally logical explanation, and large numbers of scarecrows never just appeared at the edge of the woods for no reason. Everything that happened eventually made sense, but once someone sat down and explained why you didn’t look out the windows at night when the clown sounds came, it was totally normal.
I Did Not Have a Twin Brother - Do you ever get that feeling that maybe you were a twin but something bad happened early on and now you’re alone? Like maybe you spent all day, every day, with your twin brother, and then suddenly out of nowhere they came and took you both into the woods and gave him some candy that made him stop moving and then buried the two of you in a coffin together for a long time, and then they took you out and told you to never say a word about it to anyone? Well, I never get that feeling. Ever. At all.
The Scarecrows are Not Really There - I had too much imagination when I was a kid, like I remember waking up in the middle of the night once when I was seven and there was a scarecrow nailed to the wall over my bed. I freaked out and started screaming and crying and trying to run away, but fortunately they tied me to the bed at night so I couldn’t go anywhere. It turns out the scarecrow wasn’t actually there at all. It was just a shadow. Boy, I felt silly.
I Know Clowns Don’t Grunt - Sometimes, late at night, in the normal place where I grew up, we’d hear a kind of grunting snuffling sound around the doors and windows late at night, especially in late May and early June. But it’s definitely not clowns. We always locked our windows anyways.
It’s You or Brownsville - Did you know that people in Brownsville eats puppies? They’re only about 10 miles away and my dad says they sneak over to our town at night and steal our pets and eat them when we’re not looking. That’s why it’s totally okay that if we see someone from Brownsville out on their own, we can follow them and take them into the woods and give them to the scarecrows.
There is Nothing in the Drains - Sometimes, after you brush your teeth before bed, or go get some water late at night, you’ll hold still because there’s a faint song coming from somewhere and eventually you realize it’s coming from the drains.
Your Grandmother Cannot Crawl Up Walls - Even if you see it happen when you’re taking care of her while your parents are out at a holiday party. Even if the power goes out but you have a bunch of candles burning so you can see everything. It didn’t happen.
I am Not Under Your Bed Right Now - I promise that if there is one thing in this world that is true, it’s that I am absolutely, positively not under your bed right now. Or in your closet. Or standing behind the curtains. That noise you heard isn’t me.
I’d like to tell you this won’t hurt a bit.
My Best Friend’s Exorcism is published by Quirk Books in paperback on July 11th.