Martyn Stewart
There is something in Why Men Really Cheat for everybody. This is a perfect example of not judging a book by its cover. Let’s be honest with ourselves, this topic gets everybody talking. People sneaking a private look at Facebook posts and tweets; eavesdropping on office conversations or having dinner party discussions about the couple next door! Everyone is interested at some level.
Ladies, have you ever looked at your partner and thought ‘have I got this right?’ Guys, have you ever thought to yourself ‘why did I do that?’ Well this is the first book that will answer those questions in detail for you. It fuses psychological understanding and knowledge with engaging narrative; informative entertainment is always the best way.
You will find out why the common types of guy can’t seem to stop approaching women and learn of the types of men that are appealing to women and why. And of course, you will find out which men are more prone to cheat and the types you need to get rid of. The book is different to the other relationship books that are out there. It is written in a truly unexpected and unique style. It appeals to people with a general interest in people and relationships or those with a deeper interest in psychology. You’ll keep coming back to the book as a reference guide, every time you pick it up you will learn something new. And you can go back and forth from different chapters that are relevant to your experiences.
Whether it is for gossip, self-improvement or just out of sheer frustrating confusion. This book is definitely one of those that you won’t be able to put down.
Can you tell us about the process of collecting the interviews and questionnaires for the book?
Obviously this is a touchy topic for many people; men and women. So when you start asking people questions of this sort at random, naturally their first response is usually suspicion. Their barriers come up quicker than a sale sign at Next after Christmas; especially when I approached strangers (or somebody with something to hide). Some guys thought they were being set up, that I was wired or that their partner was hiding around the corner with a video camera. However, once I assured them that they would remain anonymous and the information was confidential. Most guys gave it to me straight.
I started off with really short basic ‘straight to the point’
questions to every guy. This is where the majority of the data came from. It was a short Q&A. It’s the basics of what women want to know.
‘Have you ever cheated?’ Yes or No;
‘Do you have a partner right now?’ Yes or No
and ‘If yes, have you ever cheated on your current partner?’ Yes or No.
Most men wanted to leave after I had backed them into that corner.
However, some agreed to complete a more detailed written questionnaire which allowed me to ask more questions, not just about their cheating, (if they did), but their relationships, background, values and attitudes and how they influence their behaviour. I started to identify interesting patterns and themes before some men agreed to be interviewed. This allowed me to explore these patterns and themes in greater detail. This was where the richest in-depth data about each man’s individual views, experiences and attitudes emerged. This is where I started discovering the subtle differences in each of the 27 types which led them to (or prevented them) from cheating. Some even agreed to take a series of psychological personality and profiling tests.
Can you tell us about some of the 27 different types of men?
Well, I’ve heard many women say ‘all men are the same’ but I’m sorry, from what I’ve discovered this isn’t true. There are common types of men that you may come across quite frequently, depending on where you go i.e. at the gym, the supermarket, in a club. They will approach you and attempt to engage you. Then are some do not notice types; quite the opposite. These kind of guys don’t tend to catch your attention even if they work in your office or live on your street. They don’t stand out to you, but they see you though.
Then there are of course the ‘get rid’ types. You may call them the ‘bad boys’, the ‘players’, the ‘dogs’, whatever your preferred term is. However, when you study their patterns of behaviour they appear to be more like ‘The Manipulator’, ‘The Stupid Mistake’ and ‘Act Now, Think Later’. But not to put a dampener on this, there are a whole lot of ‘appealing’ types in the book too.
Is every one of these types likely to cheat?
No. Not at all. I make this very clear, not all men cheat. Some men are more prone to cheating, regardless of how good or bad their relationship situation is. They could have the ideal girlfriend, but it has nothing to do with her. It is his choice and his patterns of behaviour that lead him in that direction regardless of the circumstances. On the other hand some men are less prone to cheating, regardless of how good their relationship situation is. This guy could have the worst girlfriend in the world. She may be controlling and verbally abusive, but his patterns of behaviour still refuse to let him go down that path.
But the key thing that I found was that the majority of men are ‘average’. They may or may not cheat depending on the relationship dynamic. This is where relationship maintenance is important between couples. Working together, so both parties understand each other’s patterns, is fundamental to making the correct choices to ward off infidelity from your relationship.
You visited gyms, barber shops, changing rooms and boys’ nights out for the book, so what were their initial thoughts of on your book?
It was funny at times as some people thought ‘What? I’m not talking to you about that!’ But a lot of the time it was just relaxed guy conversation. Once it started, the information just flowed. For some of the men I think it was therapeutic; they could get their feelings about cheating off their chest. For other men it was like I was championing their cause to prove to women that not all men cheat.
When did you become interested in the relationship habits of men?
I am not interested in the habits of men exclusively. Throughout my studies I conducted investigations on relationships and interpersonal attraction. At university my dissertation was on the essential factors of relationship breakdown in long term relationships. On a personal level, not many of my peers chose to study psychology, so to be honest I was always a reference point for friends’ relationship queries. I never intended to write a book on why men cheat. I was actually doing some research of people in couples for a company providing relationship advice via text messages. During that time, all I seemed to hear from women was ‘why do men cheat?’ So I decided to switch focus to this more specific (and admittedly interesting) topic. The findings were so interesting that I put a seminar together as I believed that people needed to hear what I found. And then from the success of the seminar, the book was born!
Please can you tell us a bit about your background.
All people ask me nowadays is ‘What type of guy are you’ and ‘Do you cheat?’ - What have I let myself in for?! I am currently living in Doha, Qatar but I’m originally from Manchester. I’ve lived in Manchester all my life (apart from one gap year at university). I moved to Qatar 18 months ago for a new challenge. It is a small country and many people get it confused with its more famous neighbour Dubai. I am currently working as Head of Psychology at a sixth form college, but I actually got into psychology by accident. I have been studying and/or working within psychology for over fifteen years. My main interests are human relationships and cognitive psychology. My background is mostly in one-to-one work with people to facilitate their development and improve performance in specific areas of their life, such as education and relationships.
What is next for you?
I don’t know? I’m a realist! I suppose I will go back to class tomorrow and continue teaching psychology to students and make sure they are fully prepared for their exams. But I will obviously keep a close eye on the interest in the book. Everyone keeps telling me to write another one however, I’m not getting ahead of myself. Let’s see what happens with this one first. If enough people want another book, we’ll see what we can do... I will be delivering the seminar that accompanies the book whenever I can. My aim is to do a UK tour with the seminar in summer 2014 and a US tour perhaps in 2015. I really want to take the seminar to as many countries as I can. I will also be doing some relationship coaching with an exciting new programme that I have developed which addresses ‘relationship maintenance’ skills. So I have a few things to be keeping me busy alongside the book. If anybody wants more information on any of these projects they can email or tweet me @martynpsych or visit the website at www.whymenreallycheat.com
Martyn Stewart is a relationship psychologist and author of ‘Why Men REALLY Cheat - The Psychological Secrets of Male Infidelity’ published by Matador on 1st February 2014, RRP. £8.99